THE LAST WALTZ-(8 DAY BLACKOUT @ 1 BEER)

 Did ya miss me ? You do not have to answer. I can only handle so much honesty. Which, as we all know, is a precursor(come on!) to sanity. And this mental state is becoming rarer by the minute. Take a peek at the 2 front runners in the upcoming prez election? ALL IS LOST ! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY ! BUT THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO. 

 But, I digress.

 There is hope. There is always hope. We are still here. Still alive. still kickin screamin' scratching clawing ! NEVER SAY DIE(black sabbath, yes!). we lie down for no one. The hippies have sold out. The Republicans are a disgrace. The progressives live in a bubble under mass psychosis. I-pads, these things have become peoples' now useless brains. As Alan Turing, a great unsung hero from the last century, predicted. Check out the film, The Imitation Game, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Alan Turing. A great heartbreaking film. Alan Turing, the epitome of no good deed goes unpunished. 

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  THE LAST WALTZ ;

  Step into my time machine. we goin' back, back in time, long long time ago. Bout 20 years. The last waltz is a reference to my last drunkfest, my last debauchery, my last visit to oblivion.(BTW, The Last Waltz, a great concert film starring The Band). 2 decades, 3 presidents, back to the greatest decade of the 20th century, the 1990's. The decade of my all-time favorite writers, my fave era of rock-n-roll, and my favorite movies. A decade like no other in my life. The 90's define me as no other decade can. 

  In so many ways. Deeply  felt soul searching , soul finding, heartfelt loving, grieving, leading to spiritual bankruptcy and ultimate triumph. The depths of rock rock rock bottom alcohol @ drug abuse. To the amazement @ beauty of sobriety. A sobriety lasting up to this very minute, some 20 years later, which I am so very proud @ humbled @ grateful to admit. 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to God, to Jesus Christ, to so many friends, and family. For without, I am no longer. 

   In 1939, Bill Wilson wrote about "THE JUMPING OFF PLACE". (the great Bill Wilson, btw. another great unsung hero of the 20th century. leaving a legacy of helping to save millions of lives to this very day). A place where ultimately, the progressive nature of alcoholism @ drug addiction takes us, drags us, kicks us, and smashes. A state of insanity when "WE CANNOT IMAGINE LIFE EITHER WITH ALCOHOL OR WITHOUT IT. WE WILL KNOW LONELINESS AS FEW DO. EVER BECOMING BLACKER, WE WILL WISH FOR THE END". 

   This is exactly the place, bull's eye, where i stopped drinking. my last drink. my last drunk. my last venture into oblivion. my last blackout, lasting a staggering 8 days. 
  I HAVE NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING FOR 8 DAYS. 

8 DAY BLACKOUT -
   My last waltz, my last dance, my last debauchery. Whatever the hell it was. drunk for 8 days straight, cousin cocaine(the stones, thanks) along for the ride(train wreck). This is some scary shit. This disease, horrific @ terrifying, is relentless, non-stop, cannot stop. Awaken from oblivion, reality is too much to bear, we reach, crawl for the bottle. Back to oblivion. 
   Apparently, living my life, walking?, talking?, going places?, doing things?, none of which i am aware of for 8 days. 8 FUCKING DAYS !
   8 days lost, gone forever. where was i ? dunno. who with ? dunno. What i do know is booze, some bars?, @ cocaine. 8 days. 
   How did i not die ? end up in a hospital ? end up in jail ? 
   Just pain lucky ? grace of God ? DNA of an ox(1st generation Polish, good stock) ? 

THEN, IT STOPPED - 
   March 22, 1997,  Sunday nite, 'bout 10pm, at Timothy O'Tool's, downtown Chicago, I had my last drink. I REMEMBER THIS WITH A CLARITY AS IF IT HAPPENED TODAY. vivid, clear @ detailed. For this beer, MGD lite, was my last drink. 

TOTAL GOD THING - 1 HELL OF A BEER ;
   This beer, this memory of such clarity, is a drink i never, ever forget. My last in 2 decades. I am never far from this beer. For this drink, this is a drink God never ever wants me to forget. 
  HOW IN THE NAME OF GOD AM I IN TOTAL BLACKOUT FOR 8 DAYS @ HAVE TOTAL RECALL OF THIS BEER ? I mull, i ponder, i think, mind boggling, this. For this is a beer God never wants me to forget. Forever attached to this 1 beer, is the equally staggering 8 day blackout.  

8 DAYS, gone. No memory. This last beer, total recall. How do I explain this? Some things in this life are beyond our comprehension. Some good @ bad are over and above our human capabilities. I'll just call it a GOD THING. For if i could understand, that would make me God(and all youse  better thank your lucky stars that i am not. for heads would roll !). 
   A God thing. God saying, "FW, dude, snap out of it ! Wake up ! DO NOT EVER FORGET THIS LAST BEER. DO NOT EVER FORGET THE 8 DAY BLACKOUT. DO NOT FORGET WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU ! EVER !". 

   this memory, staggering, incomprehensible, keeps me alive. helps me never forget my last drunk. For if i ever drink just 1 beer, I am over. I will never be seen again. You will never hear from me again. I AIN'T COMIN' BACK ! 
   1 beer. This is one hell of a beer. One hell of a disease. Christ almighty, how am i still here ? How did i get out of that world alive, healthy, @ sober 20 years ? MIRACLES STILL HAPPEN. 

                                                    YES, A TOTAL GOD THING !  

THE 4 HORSEMEN COME A CALLIN'; 
terror, bewilderment, frustration, despair(Bill W. again) - That's about right. Sums it up fairly well. then there were 4. the worst 4 days of my life. 

   Those 4 days. words to describe - nitemare, what death feels like, mental anguish, exhausted in every way, physically dying, afraid, scared to death, so very alone, sweating, freezing, can barely move, can't eat, stomach flu, dry heaves, vomit, can't stop shaking, sleeping in @ out, try standing @ i want to pass out, HOPELESS STATE OF BEING. I wake, water, bathroom, on the floor. not sure if i ate for 4 days. i'm dying, this is what death feels like. 
  My body is D-toxing. I should be in a hospital. this is death. i am in hell. THE WORST HANGOVER OF MY LIFE.  4 DAYS.
  
DAY 4 - This is endless. it will never stop. my insides, empty, black, cold. a black loneliness envelops me. i'm terrified. STOP PLEASE STOP I CAN'T STOP THIS ! 
   Feel better. i clean up. i shower. moving. i eat. still shaky. still hopeless. lite-headed. desperate, i understand nothing, what next ? clothes on. 
   The front door beckons. One thought sears my brain, "IF YOU GO OUT THAT DOOR, YOU AIN'T COMING BACK !". now, i'm scared shitless. shaking, A DRINK? death is calling. 2nd thought - "I DON'T WANT TO DIE !". 

   I beg. i drop to my knees. i hit the floor. "GOD/JESUS, I DON"T WANT TO DIE"! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME ! begging, pleading, i can't stop this madness. i can't stop ! stop this madness. GOD/JESUS PLEASE ! 

   THEN, a warmth, a grace, the softest gentlest breeze flows thru my entire being. the love and hand of God flows thru my heart, mind, body,@ soul. the love of God/JC passes thru me. I am aware i am in the presence of God almighty. for He has been with me the entire time. He has been trying to reach me all along. I AM SAVED. 
   In an instant, the obsession is removed. the drink problem is eliminated. Replaced by a grace, a certainty, a without a shadow of a doubt, I AM SAVED! 
   The drink problem no longer exists, to this very day, 20 years later ! The easiest thing i have done for the past 20 years is not drink ! 
   This is the power, grace, @ love of God !  For God is awesomely powerful. way more powerful than addiction. the love of God/JC is infinite.

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20 YEARS LATER ! - 
AND without a shadow of any doubt, you can have this power, this grace, this love too ! ALWAYS ! 
   Reach out, HE is here, there, everywhere(beatles, thanks). NOW ! 

   The love of GOD, and yes, JESUS is a rockstar ! the light of the world ! the glory !  And life is beautiful ! 

   And my disease, evil as the devil, cannot touch me. 

MY DISEASE;
   1 BIG LIE ! Told me i was a piece of crap, scum of the earth, lower than low, who did not deserve a good life. No happy, healthy, sober, peaceful, joyous, loving, beautiful life for me. THE GREAT LIE ! 
   For i do, most emphatically, deserve a good and abundant life. Filled with the best life has to offer. For I AM A CHILD OF GOD. 
   It is that simple. case closed, no debate. I am worthy, i am important, i am a valuable human being. I have a healthy self-esteem @ self-confidence. I deserve the best life has to offer. How do i know this ? Cuz Jesus told me so ! For He is with me as we friggin' speak !  
   
 WOW ! i am constantly amazed. the impossible is possible. we must ask, act, seek, do @ believe all things are possible thru Christ who strengthens me. The kingdom of heaven is here on earth. 
   Let's not forget, the madness of hell is here as well. 

   So, i choose, everyday. with the grace of God - everything ! 
without, Armageddon.  

   Simple, right ?
                                                                                ROCK, 
                                                                                                FW Roman  

                                       $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

                                               HEART OF A CHILD PRAYER 

              I believe in you with the heart of a child, 
              So the Kingdom of Heaven is found within @ all around me.
               and evil cannot touch me. get behind me satan,
               for you are nothing, you are a liar, you are a coward. 
                 and i am a child of God, 
               I am never alone, Jesus is with me, now, always. 
               I love you Father, I you you Jesus.
               I know you love me Father @ i know you love me too Jesus.
               Life is beautiful, i am blessed, i am a child of God. 

                                                                                     amen, 
                                                                                                   FW Roman    

CHAPTER THEME SONG - 

     "8th Wonder"  -  performed by Gossip,  from the 2009 LP "Music For Men" 
   a wonder i am still here, alive, well, sober. some 20 years later. 

   hard hitting punk rock-n-roll at it's finest !! this singer, SHE ABSOLUTELY KILLS THIS ONE !! best female lead in forever ! 
  give a listen on You Tube, still the greatest invention ever ! 

and as usual, you need to buy my last book, 
LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE,  God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar !
 buy at Amazon.com. available in paperback @ ebook
 buy in bulk, please. peace @ love