STILL THE SHIT ! (19 Years @ Counting)

VERSE - LUKE 1;15

  "For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb". 

   

Quoting an angel speaking to Zacharias about the coming birth of his son, John The Baptist. 

ANGELS -

They do exist. We all need them. Angels, right here on Earth, in people form. For God does work through people, ya see ? Maybe you don't and that's ok too. That is precisely why I, FW, yes me, am here. For you reader. I do this for you, unconditionally. Beside the fact I want you to continue telling your family and friends to buy unlimited copies of my previous book LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar ! (buy online at Amazon.com, Create Space.com, Kindle(ebook), Google books). Also, keep reading my blog, Last Best Only Hope. Lest we forget, keep promoting my soon to be released epic saga of non-literature LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, With the Heart of a Child. Other than that, I want and ask for nothing. 

 For I, yes I, FW, am a giver. How God wants me to be. Dontcha think ? I mean, you know me by now, right ? The giver that I am. Diplomatic, tolerant of other peoples' gross misconduct and all the while never, ever pointing fingers. Not my style. 

  And anytime feel free to tell me to SHUT THE HELL UP !, already. By God, man ! Peace, yes peace is what I am all about. Harmony, grace, smiling, this is what I do. And all this, this eccentric genius before you, is just one big CRY FOR HELP ! 

This is precisely where the angels come in. (now this is good writing) 

                               ###################################

   Did you miss me? (lie to me) For I missed you. I've been away to parts unknown from civilization. Busy, can't seem to get get around the day job work thing. Of course you do realize being an eccentric genius does not pay very well. Not until we die, that is. Then the money comes pouring in ! (see Vince Van Go) So now I got that goin' for me. 

   Work, a 4 letter word if there ever was one. Way overrated. Been tryin' to get around it(the work thing) my entire life, alas, unsuccessfully. For I, yes, I, FW, do enjoy a meal from time to time. I also am a big fan of having a roof  over my head. So much nicer, dryer, warmer than living under a viaduct sleeping in a refrigerator cardboard box. I'm not knocking it. How a person chooses to live is their God-given inalienable right. (come on, you got to give me some on this one) Live and let live is my motto. I think most can agree on this, no ? Not all, but most. For there are those who do prefer living on the streets. 

   Back in the day, long-long-long time ago, when I was young(The Animals, thank you), in a time and a place modern society has discarded, these people were referred to as BUMS. Nowadays, in 21st century psycho-land of the moronic PC's, we call this special breed, under privileged. Cuz, ya see, we as a society are more gentle, softer, and more tolerant of stink and laziness. And how the bums thrive on knowing that we(humans) refer to them as underprivileged. The quality of their lives vastly improved now that they are no longer bums. Anyone can see the logic here, yeah? 

   So now the UP's have that going for them. Makes wearing pee-drenched underwear and newspapers for socks so much more bearable. The toothless smile more. The BO, still vomit producing, but alas, more understandable. 

THANK GOD FOR THE ENLIGHTENED PC's ! Where would the CHUDs be without them ? Same place. Same hole. Same stink. But, praise Jesus, the PC's empathize !  And we can all sleep better, no? 

NOTE TO PC'S EVERYWHERE - politics, education, media ;

JUMP INTO A RIVER ! Go now, please ! Do not pass go ! Do not collect $200 ! Kill yourself. The world would be a much better place. Do not procreate, we beg ! You have no place in the real world. Go away, die ! 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT !

(for those who do not get CHUDs, you will now have to buy my previous book) 

                          ******************************************************

SOBER 19 YEARS !!!

   19 years, Christ almighty, when you put it like that. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD ! THANK YOU  THANK YOU THANK YOU !!!!!!!!

   For I could never do this without you. Not one day. I have not stayed sober one day by myself, not one day(important, this). Miracles still happen. My life, my sobriety prove it. An absolute miracle. How a bottom of the barrel drunken dope fiend like me am still alive, healthy, C @ S 19 years amazes even me(i do not amaze easily). Staggers me.The longer I stay sober, the more miracle it is. Sorry for the redundancy, but miracle is the word.  

   For I, yes, I (hard to believe as it is), was a dead man walking living the life of a zombie, a chud if you will. I could not stop. I could not stop drinking nor drugging, at all. Towards the end it was constant. 

                                            Constant blackout, constant oblivion

My routine - have a beer. have 2, call the pusher for cocaine.  Then I am not aware of what I do nor where I go. For now I am in blackout. You might see me again in 3, 4, or 5 days. Any recollection of fun friendship activities will be gone.  FUN ! Yeah, that's what it is all about,  fun ! 
   How in the name of all that is holy do you people who do not drink nor snort cocaine ever have fun ? Isn't your life stupid, boring, glum ? Cuz, ya see, people like me, we know how to have FUN !   

       HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF FUN FRIENDSHIP ACTIVITIES ;
(in the life of yours truly. fun of the sort you straight people are missing out on.  for you have no clue. stupid, boring, glum lot that you normies are)

#1 - been in 3 totaled car wrecks. drunk @ walked away without a scratch. 
                                                            FUN !!!!!!
#2 - been busted more times than I can remember. 
                                                          A BLAST !!!!!!
#3 - waking up in an ambulance.
                                                           WEEEEEEEEEE  !!!!!
#4 - waking up in parks or along railroad tracks.
                                                  THIS SHOULD NOT BE MISSED !!!!
#5 - losing a great job.
                                                    NOW WE'RE TALKIN !!!!!
#6 - ungodly deathlike hangovers(this is what death feels like)
                                             THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN BOUT !!!!

See all the fun? Hospital stays - YIPPEEEE !!! This is just the tip of the iceberg. FUN, that's what I am all about !!! Not to mention a fun date ! Quite a catch, me ! 
   THE SMELL ! THE STINK ! AAAUUURRRGGGHHH !!! Stop the madness ! Mommy, make the bad man stop ! The stink of a drunk,  fun ! The smell is death. It permeates from a block away. (BTW - what is up with this skunk weed shit? The stink straight from a skunk's ass. Good times ! These motherfuckers are ridiculous !)
   Drinkin in a bar from open to close. FILO(first in last out) This is commitment. This is dedication. This is insanity ! 
  Back in the day when we could smoke in a bar(how the hell do people go out , drink, and not smoke?) like civilized Neanderthals, it never occurred to me how badly I must have smelled. Now C @ S, the stink, vile, puke,  STOP ! RUNAWAY ! RUNAWAY !!  Disgusting. 

NOTE TO DRUNKS : - you stink like shit. you ought to know this. these are helpful hints to help you get thru a day. you smell like piss. i am cruel to be kind(Nick Lowe,weeee), cuz no one else is gonna tell you the truth, just me, FW and until you want to get sober, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW YOU, SEE YOU, SMELL YOU !  

                                                               AIN'T IT FUN ? 

This disease, man, a miracle any of us get out alive, healthy, @ stay sober long enough to talk about it. I am never surprised when an alchy drinks whether in recovery or out. The miracle is when we stay, when we stick.  THIS IS FUN !!!  SOBER, BEING SOBER, BEING IN RECOVERY, JUST NOT DRINKING - this is what i'm talkin' bout ! Decades of sobriety without the thought of a drink. Not missing booze for 1 second. Waking sober - remembering - going out the door - starting the day - walking the streets,

                                               THE WORLD WAS BRAND NEW  !!!

THE 1st YEAR ; 
   Everything is better, not a little, but infinitely better. The first year I was not drinking, a few weeks, a few months, I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT ! I, me, was not drinking. Could not believe I was not drinking. And then, the greatest gift, I DID NOT WANT TO ! The desire was removed. I DO NOT MISS ANY OF IT, EVER ! Not for 1 second. 
   For I love being sober more than I love anything in my life, to this very day, with 19 years under my belt. I love being in recovery more than anything in my life,  for without, I do not have a life. 
   The people(angels), I first met in recovery, saved my life. I was not gonna make it(important, this). They made just being sober the greatest thing, the coolest thing, ever. I said to me, "yo, FW, I gotta have this thing. I gotta have what these people have". And now I have it, 19 years.

                                                   I AIN'T GIVING IT BACK !

This disease, cold - ugly - brutal - lonely - insidious, is not going to take another second of my life, not one. $1,000,000 is not enough to make me pick up a drink. My life is worth more. My sobriety is priceless. LIFE IS TOO DAMN SHORT ! Too precious to throw away over something as insignificant, meaningless as alcohol @ dope.  NO !  NO !  NO ! NOT TODAY ! Today, I tell my disease, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" . You are not going to kill me today. This disease is a lie. This disease is a coward. Kathleen, my 89 year old sober 17 years friend would say, "This ain't for cissy's".  She is 100% right.  

                              $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

AND WHAT WE GET ; 
   The rewards, - just being sober - not wanting to drink - not missing it - the people i have met - the things i have accomplished - the ability to do what i could not do before. Having friends - being a friend -  having a family - a career. Loving - learning how beautiful life can be(who knew? not me). The grace-power-love of God @ His beloved son Jesus Christ. Courage - honesty - sanity - peace - never, ever being lonely ! My God man ! Contentment - joy, there is nothing, nothing like it !  
   FOOD tastes better. Do you know what people do when they go to a restaurant ? THEY EAT ! THEY TALK ! who knew? ME ? I'm shitfaced before the check comes! Fun date me, oh yeah ! Quite the catch, me. So embarrassing.  SEX, sober sex - SWEET MOTHER HOLY MOSES JESUS H. CHRIST ! There is a God !  
CONCERTS, live music sober, are a spiritual awakening ! SOOOO much better than being a drunken fool. You hear things ! See things ! Remember the glorious performance ! (who knew?) Not me, but now I do ! 

ACTION, BABY, MORE ACTION ;
   Being @ staying sober does not just happen. We must do the legwork(important, this). Right action. Good decision making followed by the willingness to do the next right thing. Recovery, for all you schlepps, is a process. We do not get better overnite. Not drinking, only the beginning(Chicago, thank you). Full recovery is possible. What is full recovery?, the infidel asks. Well, I'll tell ya. Decades of sobriety. Recovery takes diligence-discipline, and we stick to it, even when we know not why. I stick mostly for the rewards, the alternative is way too frightening. 

                                WE DO NOT DRINK !!    WE DO NOT GO BACK !!  

AND THEN . . .
   we see. we see why. we see why we do what we do.  for it is glorious, heaven on Earth. Thru the grace of God, His son, the angels, my beautiful friends, life itself becomes beautiful. 

MOMENTS - LIFE COMES DOWN TO MOMENTS ;

My last drunk lasted 8 days. 8 day blackout. I remember nothing. Not where I was, nor whom I was with. Frightening. Words cannot adequately describe for my recall is gone. Albeit(thanks), your average raging alchy does understand. How did I not die ? 
  Alas, however, remarkably i digress(give it to me baby), i do remember one thing and one thing only of my last binge, I REMEMBER MY LAST DRINK. Do you believe this? God's way of telling me, "you are going to remember this and you will never forget". With clarity, I remember where I was and who I was with when I had my last drink of alcohol 19 years ago ! (downtown Chicago, at Timothy O'Toule's, a Sunday nite, about 10pm. as i stated, with clarity) This is a total God-thing. He wants me to remember my last drink, and never, ever,  forget those 8 lost days, revealing His power, His love, His grace. "THIS IS WHAT I DID FOR YOU" ! (to this day, tears of total gratitude)

   My last drink. My last drunk. My last blackout. Where I stopped @ when. This is where my disease is.  Bill Wilson refers to this as THE JUMPING OFF PLACE. That is exactly where I stopped. 

THE PROGRESSIVENESS OF ALCOHOLISM ; 

This is why I stay in recovery. Always in recovery. For if I get stupid(easily done), walk away from recovery(my greatest fear), go insane(too easy), pick-up, my disease will reawaken, kick in, @ I will be at the JUMPING OFF PLACE(a place no one should ever encounter).

AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN. 

MOMENTS ;
   Mother's Day today. Jadwiga(how i love that name, momma) has full blown dementia, knows not who I am. Thru the grace of God(again), my mom saw me get sober(more tears). This woman watched me derail at the age of 15. I went on a 20 year spree bender binge. At the age of 35, she saw me get sober. Can you possibly understand what this means to me ? (if not alcoholic, probably not) IT MEANS EVERYTHING ! 
   Words, utterly useless. This cannot be bought, this is priceless. For this, this is everything. This is why we do what we do. This why we get and stay sober. Nothing, and i mean nothing is ever more important. For without this, there is nothing. 
                                                            JUST OBLIVION

                                   THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! 
Thank you God/JC, you have shown me how good life can be. You removed the obsession to destroy myself. I have tried to live my life as you would want me. Sober at the very least, or most. Trying to be the man I was always supposed to be. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I fail. Above all, I have not picked up a drink ! Thru the good, thru the awful, no booze. How haven't I picked up a drink thru some of the crap life throws at us ? 
   I do not keep me sober. I stay in recovery and God thru people, insures I do not drink. 19 years ! Yes, there is a God ! And He loves me ! 

                    JESUS CHRIST IS THE WAY - THE PATH - THE LIGHT ! 
                                                   SOBRIETY KICKS ASS !!!  
  How do I say thank you ? Words alone are not enough. I think my volunteer work pleases God. These words, this blog, and this book are dedicated to the good Lord above and His beloved son. I try to be a good man. 
   
   Saving me - forgiving me - showing how beautiful life can be. For it does so rock ! And I am the most blessed man on the planet, still.  

                    ************************************************************
TO THE ACTIVE DRUNKS ;
 If a drunk like me can get and stay sober, anybody can. I wish you could feel as i do when I wake in the morning. AND THE THOUGHT OF A DRINK DOES NOT EXIST ! You want to experience this, trust me. And you will dig it ! And you will want more. 
   Stick long enough and the world can be yours. The best life has to offer. Are you willing? Are you done? Are you worth it? Is your life, family, health, career, future, @ money worth it ? YOU ARE WORTH IT ! 
   This is a disease, goddammit. We are all children of God. We all deserve a sober, healthy, loving life.  How could you not want this? Not tomorrow, today ! There is no tomorrow, not with this disease. NOW ! Only NOW !

   CHOOSE - Go to something better, or go back to the same pile of crap. Stopping the madness, living the life you are supposed to live, or back to the same ugly vile pathetic useless life we have been living. THAT LIFE IS A LIE ! 

   Me? I'm stickin'. I'm gonna hang onto to this one more day. For God/JC, Jadwiga, my loved ones,  for the unknown, for the future, @ me. For even I am a child of God, and deserve all that comes with it ! 

                19 @ COUNTING ! - LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, IT DOES SO ROCK !
                                           SOBRIETY - STILL THE SHIT !!!
                                       IT NEVER, EVER, EVER GETS OLD
                                               AND I AM BLESSED, STILL 

                                                                  peace @ love,  FW     

Chapter Theme Songs ; - kids, this is a special chapter ! Deserving of 2, count them, 2 songs ! The rip roaring pathetic fun ! (biting sarcasm here) and the other side, the glory, the heaven on Earth. The from dark to lite aspect of all spirituality ! Great to be able to laugh at some of that shit !

IMMORTALITY - by Pearl Jam   - i recommend YouTubing this one live in Mexico, 2003.  PJ at their best. Mike McCready kills this one !! Being sober kind of like becoming immortal, at least from the dangers of alcohol @ drugs. Being given life on borrowed time. A freebie. I could never bitch, i've been given 19 years !

AIN"T IT FUN !   -  by Guns-n-Roses   - gunz  fucking kill this one ! awesome ! the words so sarcastic and the music rocks !! yes, the glory @ FUN of booze @ dope abuse in all it's glory ! booze @ dope, so dead so lame so fucking dull. that world sucks ass ! sobriety rules ! love GnR, the music not the lifestyle.