TEARIN' DOWN WALLS - (1980 H.S. Class Reunion)

                     Who knew being clean @ sober could be so much fun?

  I didn't, not for 20 years of my life anyways. Certainly not in my HS daze(DAYS, right off the bat ! can't stop this train baby ! u can try, good luck, not gonna happen. Ya see, me @ the Lord have come to an agreement, but that's another chapter!).  My addiction kicked in when I was all of 15 years old(kinda saddens me, this). Makes me shudder how young I was when crossing that line into addiction. The line when, once crossed, there is no going back. Never going back to not being an addict/alcoholic, ever. Once crossed, nothing can ever be the same, our lives being altered forever. Sad for any teenager, sad for anyone of any age, but most certainly for the young, for at that age, we are all still innocent. To become so lost, to transform into someone we are not supposed to be, the life i could have had, gone. The kid I was at 14 and the kid I was at 15, two completely different people. My personality did a 180,- from light to dark, good to bad, right to wrong.

 I was born an alcoholic, drinking to blackout in grade school. (GRADE SCHOOL - FUCK!). Never drinking socially, not even in the 6th grade. This is one hell of a fucking disease ! AND I LOVED IT ! This, is my disease, amazing really. This is terribly sad, sad for any kid getting lost at such a young age. God bless the parents. Good luck, talk about powerless, you have my prayers.

LATE 1970'S - 15 years old, smokin grass, droppin LSD, snorting or smokin PCP, boozin, all the time. morning-noon-night, week day-week ends. The wall was built, reinforced steel, impenetrable.
  14 YEARS OLD - lots of friends, good grades(A-n-B's), great athlete, class president. A bright happy confident kid with a promising future. 
  15 YEARS OLD - the end. The end of all that promise. I become in one short year a total burnout pothead druggie. The very bright future gone. The sweet friends, gone. I am not the same kid. Sad, and scary stuff, this.

THE WALLS WE BUILD ;
  I became an outsider wearing a mask. Walls were up, no one came in, only people I got stoned with. This disease shoves everybody @ everything that is good, right out the window. Sweet innocent people, kind @ loving relationships, tossed away for alcohol @ drugs. Time @ again, over @ over, year after year, a sick lonely lifestyle. Very, very ugly. The purity, gone. The sweetest @ innocent, gone away.
  There are one or two of these I've never forgotten, with such a special place in my heart. Such beautiful hearts, the sweetest.Thrown away for booze @ dope.
           FUCK ! 

  The wall is up. We become prisoners in our own self-imposed prisons. Our thinking, behavior, choices, values all so very wrong, so fucked up, so destructive, losing all self-worth, self-confidence, @ self-esteem. The love of God @ man we knew nothing. Gettin' stoned, man ! Fuckin A ! So pathetic, so ugly, throwing lives away, ours @ others, for the miserable life a dope fiend. Unbelievable- but true.

MIRACULOUSLY, I DIDN'T DIE !
 How in the name of God am I still alive ? 20 years of my life, 20 years ! 20 years gone, 20 years wasted(literally @ figuratively), - 20 years I will never get back! 20 years of destructive self-abuse taking good people out with me.
  
  And I am one of the lucky ones !

  I am one of the blessed to get out alive. It's amazing any of us ever get out alive, healthy, @ live long enough to talk about it without wet-brain(mostly) ! This disease will not ever, NEVER, not today, no, not gonna happen, take one more second of my life. TODAY !
  Today, @ for the past 18 years, anyways! Only thru the grace of God @ my guardian angels, cuz I was not gonna make it.Without help, without reaching out, finally broken enough, hurting enough, desperate enough(the gift of desperation is one hell of a thing!), I reached out. I begged! I pleaded! I hit the mother of my bottoms, @ I got out! By the skin of my teeth, I got out. I had a bullet comin at me, a runaway train @ I was tied to the tracks. Was not gonna make it. I mean 20 years, how much longer can this go on? Not much. Dead man walking.

  Miracles do happen.

  Me being alive is all the proof I need. There is a God, He is love thru His beloved son Jesus Christ ! I have had guardian angels, still have, in people form, who helped save my life. God works through people, ya know? And angels, they do exist.

 I got out, did not die, 18 years later, the easiest thing I do is not drink. Allow me to reiterate, the easiest thing I do, 18 years, is not drink! Point being(in case u were wondering), if a rock-bottom drunk like me can get @ stay sober, anybody can. It is possible. There is hope(hope, powerful stuff!) ! The obsession is gone. Today, I do not have a drinking problem( i have a typing problem, not a drinking problem, tho). But (always a but), I never forget I am an alcoholic, never! Seen people forget, some never come back. Not me baby! Not today ! I never forget how awful, how ugly, how lonely, how dark, hopeless, indifferent, pathetic, vile, I can't. Helps keep me sober, reminding me to always be in recovery, actively working on sobriety, for the love of God @ my GA's, they keep me sober. I do the legwork, they get the credit. And my undying gratitude.

AND SWEET JESUS - I love, love, love being clean @ sober!!!!!!! Did I tell you I love being clean-n- sober? To this day, there is nothing on this planet, NOTHING, that gives me more joy. Everything is better. AND THE WALLS ARE SMASHED !!! I am no longer separated from my fellow man, my friends, loved ones, God, @ the rest of humanity. I am a citizen of the world !!! I am alive ! Sweet Mother of God, it never gets old ! Just being alive, sober, @ not wanting to drink, - sanity - blessed.

  And life is beautiful.

CLASS OF 1980 HS REUNION;

  One of the great nights of my life. The walls are gone, for these people knew me when. 35 years, Jesus, when u think of it like that. Was telling some people my greatest accomplishment is that I didn't die ! I survived! Ha-Ha, right? True! I was not gonna make it. So many friends have not. We were all together, unified on this night, celebrating our youth as well as our lives.
 A beautiful night, very spiritual. I was able to be part of this and not feel as an outsider with these truly special people. Part of something bigger, something special, truly blessed to be there, alive @ sober. I cannot properly express what this means to me at the moment (but alas, I'm gonna try).
 Shivers going thru me, electric. Expressing heartfelt honesty, laughter, joy, rekindling lost relations, lost friends, after all this time. There was an innocence,  a sweetness, and purity in the air. Real joy, real friends, heartfelt emotion. I am humbled by the enormity of it. A gift! A night for the ages with these people with a special place in my heart. It is because of nights like this, this is why I love sobriety and stay sober. This is my reward, the best that life has to offer, what makes life so special. I was proud to be there. Humbled, most certainly by the memorial for our dearly departed. SHIVERS !

  Sharing the good @ great @ funny @ sad memories with these wonderful people. Again, sober, alive, 35 years, - words are utterly useless.

  AND I AM THE MOST BLESSED MAN ON THE PLANET ! 

JS MORTON WEST-HS, FALCONS !(we no longer exist- we are extinct- we are exclusive @ ain't it cool!) 1980 - YOU, ME, WE FUCKIN' ROCK !!!!!!!!!!!

 This chapter is dedicated to JP. For JP knew me just before I crossed the line. She saw me cross and we could never be. While we were young, for a short while, we shared an innocence, a sweetness that i have never forgotten. On this special night, we had an opportunity to talk privately for a couple of minutes. And for a minute or 2, we had that innocence, purity, @ sweetness back. For that alone, i will be eternally grateful. Again, words are utterly useless.
  I had no idea JP would be there. And when I saw her, - my heart stopped. I forgot how to breath. I lost the ability to think @ speak! You believe that? After all this time! Amazing!  In my defense, JP was stunning. She was beautiful, still. And i forgot how to breath, think, and speak !
  Every now @ then, God gives us these moments. Moments when the world stops. This was one of those.

 God bless you JP, you @ your family.

CHAPTER THEME SONG; - "Inside Looking Out" - by; Grand Funk Railroad - live in concert - MSG - 1972 - YOU TUBE

Song bout bein' locked up. Possibly, the greatest song/live performance I have ever heard. This is what I'm talkin' bout !! It never got better then this. Mark Farner, great guitarist, singer, @ showman!  Crowd is great, ROCKIN!  My brother Eddie and D.G. turned me on to this when i was bout 10 ! And God bless 'em for that !!!

                                     L-B-O-H - peace @ love, FW

Last-Best-Only-Hope  God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar ! but at Amazon.com, Kindle for E-book, google books, or Create Space.com. Preview at Amazon.