Thee Reunion - the class of 1989

Thee Reunion @ the class of 1989(the return-the disgrace-the glory !!)

 THIS AIN'T EZ !! but i digress ;

"Animal house", John Belushi as Bluto, "7 years of college down the fucking drain"!
Well, Mr. Blutorski, i got you beat ! 9 years ! yes ! praise JESUS ! how fucked up was i ? a great question? let's put this one to our team of experts, shall we? ANSWER; really fucked up ! hardly believe i graduated, and, yet how, you ponder. by the skin of my freakin teeth !

 A disgrace, yes, i will not deny. but at the very same moment, so very proud. not ez, college, being a full blown drunk. no, not ez being me. not ez at all. yes, i got my degree and i was a drunken mess through it all.

COLLEGE FLASHBACKS;

WORST MEMORY -  ok. let's get this out of the goddam way. I MISSED MY GRADUATION ! yes, i did. can you believe this shit? family members present. friends from out of town. MY MOTHER ! i was not there ! i got wasted the night before and was too sick to attend. MASSIVE HANGOVER !  my hangovers were as death. i have been massively ashamed of this for 26 years. my mom was so proud of me and i was not there. just about the worst memory of my pathetic drunken life.

 TO THIS VERY DAY !
                          
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YES, i am a college graduate. to those of you who follow my epic saga masterpiece blog, this may seem redundant. for, i am sure my intellect is quite clear for all to see and marvel at. been trying that humility thing lately and it is not working. but, somebody please stop me for my ADD is in full force now. i may never return and how awful that would be for you reader ! so there, breathe, calm, summer breeze, ok ? i am back. where did i go? not sure, but i do not want to go back !

 You reader, yes you, and you know who you are, would take for granted that i possess a PHD. of some sort or another. but i humble myself yet again. NO NO NO phd. no honorary doctorate degrees. no cum ma cum laud es. shocking, i know. but, nevertheless, let the games begin. for i have no idea what in the name of all that is holy, i am talking about !

LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE primarily the underlying theme is going from dark to light. from the depths of depravity to the glory of God and life. from hell to heaven right here on earth. never a dull moment !

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this one is a journey 26 years in the making. 26 years, Jesus, when i say it like that. Mostly, a spiritual journey, emanating from the darkest place of my heart, where my demons lay. to finally, letting this demon go. coming to grips with this one, facing it. accepting it, living my amends, and ultimately forgiving myself. for i have been crucifying myself over this mess for 26 years.
 but now, it is over. i have come to the light. finally, gratefully i have let myself off the hook. laying this one to rest. arriving at a place of nothing but extreme gratitude, for i am one of the blessed ones. i got out alive and have lived long enough to talk about it. sober for almost 2 decades. glorious !

 my heart needed to be free of this and i for 26 years, could not do this, not alone. too much guilt and shame for me to bare. i needed help to free my heart and for 26 years i could not do this. God does work through people and in mysterious ways. He has brought into my life at crucial moments, guardian angels. help has arrived. finally. my heart is free. it is lighter. the burden is diminished.

COLLEGE REUNION-CLASS OF 1989;

 A GLORIOUS NIGHT. Attended with my new guardian angel, Kristina. 
     THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES ONCE WE EMBARK ON A SPIRITUAL PATH.  none of this happened by accident. this was by design, from the hand of God, straight from heaven. it was time to reconcile. time to accept my past. time to forgive myself. self-forgiveness, so goddam difficult, always. today, i am so very grateful to God and Kristina for as stated, i could NEVER NEVER NEVER do this alone. words are utterly useless. but i will try.
 An invite and registration form arrived in the mail notifying me of my class of 1989 reunion from Elmhurst College. the flashbacks began immediately. the good-the awful. i mentioned this to Kristina and we agreed to attend. At this time, i would like to personally thank my GA for joining me and making sure i got there(not like my graduation day !). this means the world to me and i could never thank you enough for joining me on an event unlike anything i have ever undertaken. thank you for being my friend, for caring about me, for helping me to heal, for loving me, for taking me to the light.  REDEMPTION !
  For not only was this my reunion, it was my very own graduation ! made possible by God and my GA !

  No coincident, God wanted me there and He got me there.
 The week of;  
  Monday i am scheduled to work in Elmhurst(what do you know!). Start time is noon(start time is never noon- this is no accident). This allows me to get to campus that morning and register for the reunion, personally(how bout them apples?). 
 THIS IS IMPORTANT. I had not stepped foot on this campus for 26 years ! I took 1 step from street to campus and the floodgates opened. i wept i wept i wept. not ashamed to admit this. i had to sit down. 
  It was a beautiful morning. these were tears of healing. 26 years of tears, and yet they were tears of joy. for God and everyone else has forgiven me. and now, a 1/4 century later, i was finally able to forgive myself. feeling the love grace peace forgiveness of God flood through me. 
 Healing. allowing me to go forward spiritually. which had been denied me lo these many years.

 The entire week of was a spiritual journey with a green light that allowed all of this to happen. everything fell into place, made EZ by God. It was time for THE PRODIGAL to return. time to let go. time to free my heart of this terrible guilt, shame, @ demon. I have a disease called alcoholism and all of us do things and say things which would never cross our minds sober. Which ultimately is why this disgrace of my life happened in the first place. we screw up royally at the worst possible moments. we get rip-roaring drunk at the most important times of our lives, revealing our worst behavior in front of people who love us the most. causing enormous amounts of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. 
 I have a disease. i did not ask for it but i got it. this would not have happened sober. but in 1989, i was a mess and my disease only got worse in the 90's, becoming a nightmare. 
  God was telling me through my tears that i was forgiven, that i can forgive myself. time to stop crucifying myself. let go, free my heart and this is exactly what happened. 
 WORDS ARE UTTERLY USELESS in trying to express enough gratitude for what this reunion means to me. 
 THANK YOU-THANK YOU-THANK YOU !!!

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FOND FLASHBACK - THE APPLE THING;

 I graduated college at the age of 27, an adult, a grown man(by years anyways). i got into a habit of leaving apples on my professors' desks, as a kid would do in grade school. My teachers must have thought i was nuts ! and they would have been right. But it was all done tongue in cheek. most got it. Anything that would put favor upon me i was never above. get me over a hump so to speak. Change a grade to a little higher. get them to like me. a freaking brown-nose in epic proportions ! A schmoozer if you will. 
 I.E. - I would walk by teacher's desk, before or after class, making sure they see me and i would leave an apple on their desk. Psychotic, perhaps, but i thought inspiring to the lengths i would go for a grade ! I am very proud of this commitment to a better grade ! dedication is what i am talkin' bout here ! Reader, are you with me or have i finally lost you ? Hello, are you there ?
  For i had no shame when in came to ass-kissing in the world of academia !  

ROTTEN FLASHBACK #2;

 DUI - downtown Elmhurst, 1 way street. driving wrong direction. drunk as a skunk. total blackout, as usual. no recollection of being pulled over. woke up behind bars. this is what drunks do. thank god nobody got hurt. 
 after this episode, i did not have a driver's licence for 12 years ! rightly so, for even this arrest did not stop my drinking. i was glad not to have a car any longer. no more alcohol driving problems. i had my priorities, ya see ? and nothing and nobody was gonna get in the way of my drinking ! i was one extremely sick human being.

 yes, one hell of a disease !

FOND FLASHBACK #2;

   GRADUATED WITH A 2.9 GPA !! not bad for a drunk, huh ? wonder what i could have got sober ? i would like to think 3.4, perhaps ? we will never know. 
 thing is, i loved academia. i loved just being on campus. the atmosphere, so positive. students working to build a better tomorrow. preparing for a future career.  i still love walking any college campus. in my eyes, college is the shit ! 

 This may sound completely psychotic, it's me remember? so bear with me. come on give me some love will ya ? graduating college while being a drunken mess is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life ! College is hard ! a ton of work. a ton of pressure. While enrolled in higher education, i was working full-time. the amount of work often seemed overwhelming. if you did not attend college you could never appreciate the difficulty. I APPLAUD ANYONE WITH A DEGREE. an incredible achievement. BRAVO !!! 

  TRY THIS WHILE BEING A DRUNK !!!!

  I made it ! how ? i have no fucking idea ! but i made it ! i am so very proud of this !!!!  to this very day, it fills me with a sense of contentment, of achievement, of joy that few things in my life can match.

I will never forget handing in my last exam. I laid it on the professor's desk and i floated. I WAS DONE ! THIS IS OVER ! ALL THESE YEARS AND I MADE IT ! GONNA GRADUATE ! never have i been so proud. i was floating. i was walking on air from campus to parking lot, to my car ! 

 GLORIOUS !!!!!!!

Memories - some ugly - some spectacular - never a dull moment !!  

REUNION;

 Not a lot of alums in attendance. nevertheless(come on, give it to me), it was such a great evening. we came out on the other side( in a spiritual sense of course). we came into the light. victory is ours ! if i sound as if i am exaggerating, i assure you i am not. A journey 26 years in the making. the spiritual journey of my life. i cannot help but smile. a complete total success. 
 God loves me. He made this night possible. how beautiful life can be. how blessed am i ? A journey from hell to heaven.

 Met some very sweet people, knowing none of them previously. at our dinner table across from me was a man named Rich, who for one night became my best friend ! we talked all night about PUNK ROCK !!! a great conversation, right in my wheelhouse ! 
 as for me, what made this night extra-special, was being there sober. i love being sober more than anything in my life(18+ years now). to attend an event such as this sober, i guarantee, no one had a better time than i. 

JUST BEING SOBER NEVER NEVER NEVER GETS OLD !!!!!! 

 At the risk of sounding redundant(come on, you gotta give me this one), to experience an evening such as this sober, is simply, the greatest thing. the greatest gift of my life. this allows me to appreciate how special nights such as this reunion truly are. not to be taken for granted. nothing flippant here. 
 There was a light on us this night. the light is the grace of God through His beloved son Jesus Christ ! for without, this night would never have happened. GLORIOUS !! it felt like Heaven. i was floating again. i will never forget this night. just about the greatest and most beautiful night of my life ! this was my graduation. 26 years later ! 

PRICELESS-SPECTACULAR !!!!  

 From gut-wrenching guilt to glory. 26 years. God is truly awesome and Jesus is a rockstar ! this was no coincidence, this was by design. i needed to heal, free my heart so i may go forward into a more fulfilling life. 

REDEMPTION
  
I AM STAGGERED AT THE GRACE, LOVE, AND POWER OF GOD THROUGH HIS SON JESUS CHRIST !!!

 THE WORLD IS TRULY A BEAUTIFUL PLACE !!!

 AND ALWAYS, WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD,  
                                                                        FW ROMAN

VERSE; - Luke 15:24 - "for this my son was dead and is alive again. he was lost and is found. and they began to be merry". 

 Yes, me, The Prodigal Son.

CHAPTER THEME SONG - "I REMEMBER YOU"  - by Skid Row

a classic from 1989. Sebastian kills this one ! so very beautiful.