3-1997 MARCH MADNESS @(THE month of my life)
"I WILL LOVE AS IF I HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT".
An awesome quote. What a great way to attempt living this life. (taken from James Johns. let me know if you figure it out. nudge nudge, wink wink).
To continue from previous chapter for those who are on the edge of your seat. Breathlessly waiting for the rest of the story, @ YOU CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT NO MORE ! Did ya think i was gonna leave you stranded? wallowing away the rest your years aimlessly lost? Now, come on! Would FW do that to you reader? Dontcha know me by now? Well maybe you do @ I don't blame your apprehension. For there are bodies out there buried and if you need more $$$$ to keep your mouths shut, ok ok, I WILL PAY. DAM YOU READER, DAM YOU TO HELL. Albeit, ya know i still love ya right?
Levity, reader, is what we are after here, now, in this context. For without a sense of humor, each and every one of us can please JUMP OUT OF A WINDOW ! Humor the ultimate sign of spiritual health. Take time to ponder(elevator music in background whilst you take this time to figure it all out). I KNOW I KNOW, START THE GODDAM CHAPTER ALREADY, WOULD YA ?
Where was I ? YES, I WAS DRINKING MYSELF TO DEATH.
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MY 1st GUARDIAN ANGEL -
This is the best advice ever given me way early in my recovery, 20 years ago. A woman of about 80-85 years of age, approached me, I do not remember her name, @ offered me these exact words, "young man", she began in regards to my alcoholism and recovery, "TELL YOUR DISEASE TO GO FUCK ITSELF !". The best advice ever. The best reminder. For 20 years now, I have been doing just that. For if not confronted head on, this disease is a MFer.
GA #2 -
An old-timer with 47 years of sobriety at the time, offered this nugget of wisdom, "THE 1st 20 YEARS ARE THE TOUGHEST !". He was not kidding. And now I can state emphatically, this being my 20th anniversary, this is so very true. There are days, times, events, months, people, years in sobriety I shout FUCK ME ! As my friend Kathleen(89 years of age) says, "RECOVERY AIN'T FOR CISSIES "!
Albeit(yet again), the grace, power, @ love of GOD is way way way more powerful than this disease. And sobriety rules ! Life is beautiful, and I am so very very blessed.
SO HEY HO, LET"S GO !!!!
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MARCH MADNESS -1997
THE month. The magic month. The most awful, the most beautiful. Into oblivion-into black-into the utter cold, loneliest, terrifying month of my life.The insanity relentless. The lowest of lows. I was amongst the worms, the bugs, the sludge of being. Utter despair, so very lost, so incredibly sick.
MAR 1-8 -
Began with the 1st of my last 2 drinking binges. Both, remarkably, unbelievably lasting 8 days. 8 days of non-stop drunkenness and drug abuse. Into oblivion @ blackout for 8 consecutive days ! Mar 1-8, I have no recall of anything. Just reaching for the bottle @ using cocaine. 8 days lost. 8 days of not knowing where I was nor whom I was with. Some recall of buying cocaine, some bars. nothing else. BLACKOUT ! how did i not die? end up in a hospital ? Jail? a wheelchair?
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THE PROGRESSIVENESS of this disease -
Unless one lives it, one cannot truly comprehend the hell of it, the horror of it. The madness, complete. The scariest place i have ever been. Some of us call it, THE JUMPING OFF PLACE. For at this stage, oblivion is better than reality. Reality, way too much too handle. Thus, I reach for the bottle.
Then I am a zombie-walking, crawling, stumbling, dead. Dead in every way, except physically. For the human being writing these words no longer existed. Spiritually dead, emotions non existent(just drunk). If a moment of realty came along, instant terror, loneliest cold, insanity, desperation, madness. Then reaching for oblivion-blackout-for the drink.
I WAS DEAD ALREADY
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a res pit- A 20 YEAR IN THE MAKING AMENDS :
(TELL ME SOBRIETY DOESN'T SO KICK ASS !!!)
I have one scattered memory of this time in my life. I am now making a formal amends @ apology to the woman I was dating at the time. (dating, for lack of a better word).
Debbie(not giving last name), i am so sorry. Sorry for the drunkenness i brought into your life. For a very short while, we were the shit. You were beautiful. I loved being with you(Metallica, Rush, @ your visit while i was in rehab). Thank God you wised up @ got as far away from me as possible.
20 years later, i have not seen you, nor had any contact. I don't even know if you are alive. Nevertheless, i hope you @ your family are well. My disease was in a downward spiral @ you in were in the hurricane of my life. Forgive me.
If you are out there, I am celebrating 20 years of sobriety since last we were together. I like to think that you did help. Just maybe, maybe, you will be happy to hear this. maybe not. It doesn't really matter for it wasn't me. My disease was ripping me apart. I was close to the end @ you were in the periphery. For not only do we destroy ourselves, we take out anyone and everyone close to us.
I hope you are reading this with a smile. Peace @ God bless.
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MAR 8-15 ;
I come to about the 8th. For the next week, I do not drink nor use. Deathly ill, so very afraid, i am dying. Unemployable, no money, reality gnawing at me. The madness of not drinking ! I NEVER EVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN ! Walking a tightrope-awful emotions-scattered thinking. A black cold loneliness envelops me. I am alone. this is my destiny. this is my fate. NO HOPE. Reality crushing me. Knowing the drink is gonna kill me. I cannot live like this. A part of me wants to die but i am not suicidal. My insides being torn to pieces. I view myself as the biggest piece of crap on the planet. I do not deserve a good, sober, happy, loving life. Scum of the earth. What am i doing? I have no idea what i am doing. i do not know what i will do next. I am now completely deranged, psychotic.
My disease has me and wants me dead. Wants me to continue this misery, this despair, this fear. TO DRINK AGAIN.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO
MAR 15-22;
I have no defense. I am powerless against this disease, this madness. It will not stop. I CANNOT STOP ! No hope, no faith. The fear of reality, of the future too much too bear. I DRINK.
I pick up, naturally, for this is what drunks do. I pick up cuz this is better than the insanity in my brain. Easier than the torn apart insides of me. I AM ALONE. I am dead. I am insanity. I cannot go on. I need relief from this. I drink. I drink a lot. I AM IN A BLACKOUT FOR ANOTHER 8 DAYS. I CANNOT STOP !
I use drugs, I go to bars, I go to liquor stores. Details, times, places, people, do not exist. I am a zombie. I pass out, I wake reaching for the bottle. OBLIVION. Any amends needing to be made now do not matter for I have no recall of who, where, when, what. I CANNOT STOP ! The progressiveness is complete. I am at ROCK BOTTOM. Any thoughts of sanity, reality, sobriety do not exist.
ANOTHER 8 DAYS GONE
MAR 22;
Now we step into God's world, God's grace, God's power, God's mystery, God's love. We are now in the 4th dimension, the mystical, the magical, the spiritual. To this very day, this one still knocks me down. Somethings, certainly the ways of God, are beyond our limited brains. Amazingly, incomprehensibly, 8 days are gone, nothing. EXCEPT ONE THING. For this is a God thing, for lack of better words. Sometimes words are utterly useless, this is one of those times. Beyond understanding, beyond comprehension. This is a God infused memory of total clarity. Total recall in detail branded upon my psyche. Never forgotten. As real as now.
I REMEMBER MY LAST DRINK
I REMEMBER WHERE I WAS
I REMEMBER WHO I WAS WITH
I REMEMBER THE TIME
IN DETAIL, IN LIVING COLOR
8 day blackout, and then, 3-22-97, a Sunday nite about 10pm. At Timothy O'Toule's, downtown Chicago. A great bar, a Windy City staple. Drugged up, ampin'. @ drunk. I remember. Was out with a drinking buddy who shall remain nameless. I remember with clarity. THIS WAS MY LAST BEER, DRINK, @ ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE TO THIS VERY DAY !
My interpretation - God is telling me, "Roman, you are going to remember this beer. You will never forget it. You will never forget about the 8 day blackout prior to this beer. If you ever drink again, you ain't gonna make it. You will never be seen again. You will die. This is your last drink".
That was 20 years ago. My last drink, my last line, my last drunk. This beer is never forgotten. I hold it very close indeed. For it is not the 100th beer that will kill me, it is the 1st.
I have a disease that does not allow me to control my drinking. If I have 1, I will have 2. During #2, I will call the pusherman. I will drink to complete drunkenness, to oblivion, to blackout. Maybe, just maybe, you may see me in 3-4 days. Do not ask me where I have been. I won't remember.
ONCE I START, I CANNOT STOP !
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THIS IS ALCOHOLISM ;
That's all it is, nothing more. An alcoholic is an individual, who once consumes alcohol loses all ability to stop. Perhaps DNA, genetics, learned behavior, mental illness, whatever, it does not matter why. All that does matter is that I have this disease. I am alcoholic, without help, this disease kicks my ass. Way too big for me to handle on my own. I have not stayed sober 1 day on my own volition, not one. I stay sober only thru the grace of God and some wonderful friends. Along with some loving family members, for whom without, I was not gonna make it. I was gonna die, I knew it, I was dead already.
Now that I have this knowledge, the whys are meaningless, what do I do with it ? I need to ask myself some simple questions ;
1) Am I alcoholic ? YES or NO
2) Can I stop drinking by myself ? YES or NO
3) Do I need help ? YES or NO
4) Do I want to stop ? YES or NO
5) Do I want help ? YES or NO
THE KEY TO SOBRIETY IS WANTING TO STOP. Needing to stop means nothing. I needed to stop 19 years prior. Can I be honest about my drinking career ? Can I finally say "SOMEBODY, GOD, PLEASE HELP ME". The saddest damn thing on this planet is someone losing them self to this disease. Throwing our lives away over something as useless, meaningless, and pathetic as alcohol @ drugs. A waste of a life. I would rather be hit by a bus. At least I won't be a drunken fool at the time.
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MAR 22 - 26, 1997 - 4 DAYS IN DEATH
I AM DEATH, I come to, the blackout is lifted. The all-time hangover, the heavyweight champion of hangovers. D-TOXING, the poisons are leaving me. D-toxing from alcohol poisoning is extremely dangerous, killing more people than all other drugs combined. AND BOOZE IS LEGAL ! D-toxing alone is not recommended, GO TO A HOSPITAL !
I can hardly move, deathly sick, I am dying. This is death, for this is what death feels like. Exhaustion, my head is pounding. COLD-SWEATING-STOMACH FLU-SHIVERS-SHAKING-VOMIT-DRY HEAVES. On the bathroom floor, still can't move. I STAND-CAN'T WALK-FALLING. HEAD RUSH-SEEING STARS-BLACKING OUT. No food, I cannot eat, some water. FREEZING-HOT-PASSING OUT.
THIS GOES ON FOR 4 DAYS
I don't die. I think I did die. This is hell, not living, 4 days of death. I should be in a hospital, THE GRIM REAPER HAS ARRIVED ! The shakes, DT's.
YES, FUN !
I can walk. I shower, eat, am clothed. Feeling better but still weak, wobbly, a child could knock me down.
THE FRONT DOOR BECKONS, it is calling me, ready for more.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE FRIGHTENED IN ALL MY LIFE.
I KNOW NOW, THIS IS LIVE OR DIE.
A thought, like an arrow, goes thru my brain, "IF YOU GO OUT THAT DOOR, YOU AIN'T COMING BACK". How am I still alive? The booze, the dope, the d-toxing should have killed me, but I am alive. The door still beckons. IF I GO OUT THE DOOR, I WILL DRINK. Bar-liquor store-pusherman, my routine. I have no defense, if I go out that door, I will die, tonite.
PACING, heart pounding-crazy-madness-this goes on for I not know how long. STOP-PLEASE-I CANNOT STOP ! Another thought, like an arrow, I DON'T WANT TO DIE ! PLEASE GOD, PLEASE JESUS, HELP ME ! If I go out that door, I ain't coming back !
I now realize, this is the 1st prayer of my adult life. I fall to my knees, desperate, demoralized, shivering. I am on my back pleading, begging- GOD, PLEASE, JESUS ! Crying, " I DON'T WANT TO DIE !
Miraculously, I did not go out that door.
MY begging-pleading- prayer was answered. A warmth envelops me. A warm gentle breeze enters my entire being. An electricity flows thru me. I feel an awesome presence of love. I feel the presence of GOD/JESUS in and all around me. I am touched by the hand, love, grace, power of God. I almost hear, "I AM HEAR, I HAVE BEEN HEAR THE WHOLE TIME".
Instantaneously, I am saved. A clarity, a knowing I am in the presence of God almighty and HE JUST SAVED ME ! He just saved my life. The addiction, the obsession completely removed(to this very day). I know I am saved. I burst into tears, tears of joy, for a love i have never, ever known. THERE IS A GOD ! I now know. And HE loves me so much, He just saved my life.
MIRACLES ! We still live in an age of miracles.
The easiest thing I have done for the past 20 years is not drink.
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MARCH 2017 -
That was 20 years ago this month. I have been in recovery ever since that oh so special day. BTW - that day being my 35th birthday ! You believe that ? I have been alcohol/drug free ever since. No cravings nor temptation. I DO NOT MISS THE BOOZE AT ALL, NEVER, EVER !
"IF SOBRIETY IS GOD's GIFT TO ME, THEN MY SOBER LIFE IS MY GIFT TO GOD". (from the book, Daily Refiections, 3-23)
FOR SOBRIETY DOES SO ROCK ! I can't get over it. I cannot get enough just being clean/sober. There is nothing like it. Everything is better. MUSIC-CONCERTS-FOOD-SEX ! Sweet Mother of God, sober sex is the greatest thing ever ! Do you know what people do at restaurants? They eat ! They talk, socialize, ambiance ! Such like, who knew ? Not me. I'd be hammered at check time. A fun date, me, not ! A GOOD ROCK CONCERT IS A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING !
SEX - NO DRUGS - ROCKnROLL !!!
My mother saw me get sober. Can you possibly begin to understand what that means to me ?
DID you watch this past Superbowl ? Superbowl LI, the greatest game ever. TB 12(Tom Brady), Now THE GOAT ! Always thought I was the goat. Not no more. Alas, I often looked, acted, @ smelled like a goat ! The best part, I was sober watching that game. Was always drunk on Superbowl Sunday. NOT NO MORE ! Life is too good this way.
It is the little things in life that mean everything.
2 THINGS I NEVER FORGET ;
1) HOW GOOD LIFE IS SOBER.
2) HOW AWFUL BEING A DRUNK/DRUG ADDICT IS.
The world is still a beautiful place with wonderful people in it. You think I'm gonna throw that away for a fucking beer? NOT TODAY, BABY ! Not gonna happen. Albeit(ha!), I never take my disease for granted. It can be a MFer @
I AM THE MOST BLESSED MAN ON THIS PLANET !
GOD IS AWESOME @ JESUS IS A ROCKSTAR ! 20 years, unbelievable. My LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE. My roller coaster sanity, my wavering courage, my caring, my strive for happiness, hanging on WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD !
and I ain't letting go,
peaceout,
FW Roman
A note written to me from Debbie, 20 years ago;
Hi Sweetheart,
Well, I knew the time would fly by and look you did it ! I know you will make it! I'll try and help you as much as I can, but you have to try and help me too. But first yourself, ok ? I am really proud of you that you did this for yourself. I'll be there for you, for whatever you need.
I PROMISE !
Love,
Debbie
THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING, EVER.
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CHAPTER THEME SONG ;
EVERLONG - by Foo Fighters. From their debut LP, The Colour and The Shape, released in 1997.
A top 10 song of the the 90's, possibly all-time. Dave Grohl may very well be the coolest dude in the world. His career is the single greatest comeback story in the history of rock-n-roll. The ultimate dark to light saga. From the mountain top as drummer of Nivana to the depths of ruin culminating with the horrific suicide of Kurt Cobain.
And back into the light, as front man, songwriter, lead singer, guitarist, @ drummer of FOO FIGHTERS ! Their debut LP truly fucking rocks ! With this song, Dave Grohl killz it ! HEROIC ! THE ULTIMATE ROCKSTAR !
Epitomizing what L-B-O-H is all about.
