GREETINGS -(From the Darkside @ Back)
GREETINGS - (From the dark side @ Back)
Hi, how ya doin? simple greetings, ah, not this time, no. greetings, visits, spirits, ghosts if you will from another dimension. From the afterlife, from the hereafter, beyond all reality. It's beyond the brain capacity. We have all experienced events beyond logic and reality, no? I have. Do I have any explanations? No, I do not. But I can share my experiences with you, reader, yes you ! Did you think I forgot about you? Never ! Did you forget about me ? Please don't, cuz you know damn well without you, what have I got ? Zero ! Goose eggs ! Nada ! Nitz ! Nein ! nothing for for chrissakes ! So, reader, you can never leave me. We need each other after all. After all is said and done, no ? Albeit, that's just me. What about you ? You say you need me, yes ? Well I need you too ! Always, as God intended. WE ARE ENTWINED ! Dontcha think ? Yes, so there !
Where was I? OK, January 2016, 2016 ? How the hell ? If I knew I lived this long . . .well, you know the rest. AND IT IS REALLY FUCKING COLD ! The Windy City baby ! What you expect? it is January, DAGGUMMIT !
Igloos ! Eskimos ! Abominable Snowmen ! YES ! We got it all !
Can we begin the chapter, already ? JESUS H. CHRIST !
A-D-D ! Baby ! A-D, All Day, everyday ! What ? Exactly.
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JESUS CHRIST ; - "HE THAT BELIEVES IN ME, SHALL HAVE LIFE, MORE ABUNDANTLY, EVERLASTING".
What we talkin' bout here? More abundantly, here on Earth(this is earth? i think). Everlasting, what up with that? After death? We go to Heaven or Hell ? I have never given it much thought. None to be honest. Gonna find out soon enough. no rush there. Life - short. Dead - forever. So i can wait. put that off for a little longer. Want to ride this life thing a little longer. For life, it does so rock ! Never a dull moment. Reality, who the hell needs booze or dope when you got reality? It is a trip. Not to be wasted on some high like smokin' grass. GROWN MEN OVER 21, YOU SMOKE POT, YOU ARE LOSER ! Jump into a river. get it over with. kill yourself. GROWN MEN OVER 21 AND YOU LIVE WITH MOMMY AND DADDY, KILL YOURSELF. For now you are the village idiot !
Living is certainly better than the alternative. Unless you are in the joint and are in love with your new daddy. Or are bed ridden like my drunken old days. Crappin' and peein' all over yourself and loved ones. Booze and dope, a glamorous lifestyle, no ? Then yes, time to pull the plug no ? Trust me on this one, for i would know. So I have heard.
Pull the plug, the easier softer way.
Pull the plug, the easier softer way.
Yank that son of a bitch !
Can we get on with this, already ? JESUS ! how much longer do i have to suffer ? NONETHELESS (cousin of James @ Never, yes ! give it to me baby ! I still got it ! what exactly IT is, not sure. don't want to know either), to my loyal fan base(we are growing, KB, Leila-2 years old, Logan-2 months old. the #'s speak for themselves !), Rome was not built in a day, no sir !
I do believe in heaven @ hell on Earth. Been there, done that. Prefer heaven, but i digress, and that's just me, and 1 man's opine(what the fuck does opine mean ?).
But, albeit(come on!), what of after? When Big D comes a callin' ? What then? Dunno. NEVERTHELESS(not to be outdone by James or None), I have encountered some mystical experiences that i would like to share. For, if I am anything(as Leila can attest), I am a giver ! High tea from the other side !
SCARY MUSIC PLEASE, MAESTRO !
any hip-hop is fine. gag me !
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If you have read, LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar !(and if you have not, what the hell are you waiting for? available on-line at Amazon.com, Kindle, Create Space.com, Google books. time to step into the light!), you know that i have been visited by Big D Hisself, the Grim Reaper. High Tea with the Reaper, an experience not to forget. Quite the attention grabber, i gots to tell ya ! This guy, uninvited I might add, was as real as anything I could touch, feel, @ see as we speak. Was it a warning? I was close to death, perhaps one drink away, or one more line and I would be over.
I took it as a warning. My time had come. Big D was in the house ! But GOD SAID NO ! I was spared. Still kicking, 19 years sober ! YEEAAHH(there was much rejoicing) ! I dodged a bullet to the brain. Scared the bejesus out of me i got to tell ya! GR left quite the impression, a man with impact, not subtle.
Msg. being, if i DO NOT STOP DRINKING NOW ! IF I DO NOT STOP DRUGGING NOW ! I was done, dead, over. I have never ever forgotten this experience, it is never far away, it sure is a motivating factor to say the least.
And it did happen. Scary shit. good fear for me to hang onto. keeps me sober. keeps me in recovery. keeps me working a program.
Scary dude, this grim reaper. Did me a favor by scaring the living daylights out of me.
so, perhaps, there is life after death, cuz i have had other visits, other uninvited guests into my home. Yes, also, from the other side. Not scary, these, but as real as now. So, nevertheless, albeit, alas, nonetheless, and yes, jamestheless(now i am just showing off - my vernacular if you will, verbal usage and Jadwiga just clubbed me upside the head !), Take a ride if you dare ! We go to the Other side ! Can i satisfactorily explain these verbal one-on-one face-to-face encounters? Hell no. Don't care if you believe this or not. I can discuss these visits as I saw them. Truths, for i was there and i write with 100% conviction.
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DARZ COMES A CALLIN' - 20 years later;
My bestfriend from childhood, HS, college, thru our 20's. when he got married i was bestman at his wedding. Darz had a brilliant mind, a chemical engineer with a degree from U of I, Champagne, of course. Funny as hell, god did we laugh, having endless fun ! we did all together.
This guy got bumped up 2 grades in school, as i said, brilliant. A rock-n-rolla, a party animal, but, unlike me, Darz knew when to say when. So as the years go on, i am drinking to oblivion, Darz is conquering the world. Got his degree, got the job, got the house in Pittsburg, planning for many rugrats, got the wife. Seemingly, having life by the balls right ? NO.
DARZ DIED IN 1993 AT THE AGE OF 29
OCTOBER 1993 ;
Hey man, what up? - Visit #1;
The day of Darz's death, that night, my French door windows are open as usual. While sleeping, a loud bang wakes me. I get up and look around. My Japanese room dividers are knocked over, apparently by a gust of wind. NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE NOR SINCE. Funny that.
The day of, the wife wakes up, and finds Darz on the floor, dead. An apparent victim of an undiagnosed heart ailment. He was 29 and healthy. Gut-wrenching and so terribly sad. My bestfriend never to be replaced. He is missed, still.
I was drunk at the church service, wake, and burial. I am ashamed to admit this but I must be honest. My last look at the wife was at the grave site. She was incredibly brave and stoic throughout. I was drunk.
The following years, '93-97', my drinking and drugging accelerated at a blitzkrieg pace. Leading ultimately to my ROCK BOTTOM and a rendezvous with The Reaper. I was not going to make it. Death told me so. Divine Intervention saved me. God said "no, not yet". I was saved. Darz died.
FAST-FORWARD 19 YEARS, 2012;
Low and behold, you just never know what's gonna happen next in this adventure called life, do ya ? WOW ! Sometimes, man !
Darz's widow and I cross paths, 2 decades later. UNBELIEVABLE ! The last siting being at the graveside. No contact. Needless to say, I was quite nervous and surprisingly smitten. She looked fabulous, stunning. Way better looking than 20 years ago. Some women age incredibly well and 50 has become the new 40, or hell, even the new 35 ! I MEAN OUTTHEFUCKINGPARK !
Women over 40, 45 even, 50 yes, fucking rock ! These women are in their prime in every way. Personally, psychologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually these women, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD ! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT !
OK, where the fuck was I and where the fuck did I just go? Somethings never change, do they? Got off the track a tadbit, didn't I? Easy to do with this topic, and well, you know me. I am a product of the 60's @ 70's, so forget about it. Women of that generation, HOT-HOT-HOT ! Best looking women in the history of the good ole USA ! Bar none ! Blessed, me, no? Thank you God !
We had the best music and the best looking women ! We fucking killed it !
Again, where the hell am going with this? The pen takes a life all it's own, sometimes. No control. Good to let loose every now and then, no? YES !
NEVERTHEFUCKINGLESS ! stop me, help me, this is, and always will be one big cry for help !
Thinkin' you could figure this one out all by yourselves, huh? The widow and I started dating, surprise ! NOT A GOOD IDEA. Very sweet, for about a second and a 1/2. Things quickly soured and the brief affair ended. During those weeks, Darz came a callin'. High tea with Darz 19 years in the grave ! This came directly after I paid him a visit at the cemetery, which I had not been to in 2 decades. At the graveside, we had a chat. well i talked. Darz is in the ground. Told him many things. Covering the gamut(give it to me baby?), even disclosing i was dating his widow. Many tears, still. 20 years, Jesus !
A short time later, back home, I had a dream. No, not a dream, for what i am saying was as real as the dick in my hand(joking!), I seldom remember my dreams. If I do, they are so convoluted making no sense whatsoever. But this one. This was vivid with a clarity not familiar to me. A beginning middle and end. Nothing jagged and twisted. Nothing like an LSD trip believe you me! I remember all of it, for this was no dream.
Darz paid a visit. I found myself with him at an all-black congregation i know not where. During mass or service, or whatever the hell it is called, we sat side by side in a pew(bench) having a chat. We were being disruptive as was our wont(yes!) and told to keep it down and shut up. Actually, I was told to shut up cuz they could not see Darz. He got up and i followed to a side sitting area where we continued talking and not be disruptive.
AND MAN, DARZ WAS PISSED OFF !
Angry still, about being dead. Apparently, time is different on the otherside. He spoke as if he died yesterday. Simmering, then exploding, "I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD ! I AM 29 YEARS OLD. I HAVE A WIFE, A HOME. WE ARE PLANNING FOR A TON OF KIDS. I HAVE A JOB, A CAREER. I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !".
I was speechless. Finally, all i could muster was sorry. That i am so sorry. Sorry for not looking after his wife after you died. I was a drunk. i am so sorry. i miss you, still.
Darz went on explaining what death is like. He misses touching people, a hand, a hug, a kiss. Being dead he cannot physically touch anything or anybody. Darz put his forehead on mine and said "I can't feel you".
Tears came. We spoke about his wife. He got up said "no", and walked away. Shortly after, the widow and i stopped dating.
I woke not from a dream. this was real. clear, nothing surreal. we were together, of this i have no doubts.
The purpose. Perhaps he sensed a spiritual crisis coming my way. Maybe he needed to vent. The dead also need to vent, what with being in the dirt and all that. Or he was pissed i was with his wife ! How the hell do i know ?
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The dead seem to know things that the living do not. Not scary in the least, albeit(come on !), they do have a ton of impact ! The deceased make quite the impression. An experience I shall never forget.
Life hereafter ? - Apparently, yes. We all gonna find out tho. "NO ONE HERE GETS OUT ALIVE",-(The Doors, thank you). Oddly enuf, death does not frighten me. I was always more afraid of living. "EVERY MAN DIES. NOT EVERY MAN TRULY LIVES", (Braveheart, thanks again). Not in any rush, no. LIFE-SHORT, DEAD-FOREVER. Let's just hold off on that one for a while longer, savvy? Gonna hang on to this living thing as long as possible. Ride it out, baby ! Enjoy the ride ! Cuz, man, it don't last. Life is so precious, so fickle. Lucky, sure. Divine intervention, oh yeah! But, "GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!"(Jerry Lee Lewis, acknowledge), it can be so beautiful.
Now that I am sober(19 years last i checked, weeeeeeeee!), i am and have been on borrowed time. I could have ended 1000 times easy. Yes, i am a walking miracle. What i do with my life is my thanks to God. For without, I am gone 19 years now. Blessed, truly. The whole thing. Darz taught me this.
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NEXT !
JADWIGA;
Yes, that Jadwiga, my mother. Reader, you know my mom(cuz i know you read LBOH - God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar!, and if you haven't, i'm gonna come at ya!). You know some of her story. GOOOOO !!!!
My mother for the past 10 years has been afflicted with full boat dementia, no longer knowing who I am. The woman who raised me is gone. I choose to believe she is in a better place. The realities of her life becoming too unbearable. Sorry mom, I tried to save you but i was too late. Too many assholes stacked against us. Assholes some people refer to as family members. How i have not committed homicide i will never know. Forgive me mom. My disease and too many fucking assholes proved too much for me. I take this to the grave.
Mom is gone. My friend, the woman who taught me right @ wrong, good @ bad, loving me to the bitter end. The strongest woman I have ever known. Alas(yes!), she is still with me, everyday, watching over me. Residing in my heart, mind, @ soul. I hear her still trying to teach me right @ wrong, and if i am screwing up i hear saying, "you are so stupid", and she was always right. Always, always, always knowing when i was screwing up. Lying to her was just plain foolish. So i talk to her still. I feel her. There is comfort.
AND SHE COMES TO SEE ME.
A dream you say. I say no! These visits are as real as the desk i type on. As real as right now. Nothing dream like, nor surreal. There is clarity with vivid recollection. Nothing jagged, nothing wavers.
THE LAST GREETING;
I was sleeping, of course and Jadwiga is right there with me. Real, but somewhere else nevertheless. This visit was short and sweet. Direct and to the point. No beating around the bush with my mom. She came right up and as was her wont, put both hands on my face, looked me in the eyes and said "Roman, wake up". I was speechless and barely breathing for this was kinda our pattern our entire lives. Lifting her hands, she took one last long look turned and walked away.
I woke not as from a dream but from a real conversation. Thinking, Jesus, she was just here. Perfect recollection, vivid. Here ! Just now ! Nothing scary, just her presence as real as in our life together. Lot's of concern tho, about me. Giving me a warning? A sign? A head's up? Or, perhaps, hey jackass, smell the coffee, the clock is ticking, wake the hell up ! Make changes in your life now. You ain't gettin' any younger. Make better decisions. Get your priorities and your values straight. Pay close attention. Get serious. No room for any more tragic blunders. Made way too many of those. Stop wasting time on things and people that are not important. Live life to it's fullest. Take calculated risks. Open your heart to love again. I have been closed for 10 years. Life can be beautiful again. Get it ! live it, love, joy, go ! Get busy on what and who is important. To hell with the rest. I listened as never before. And what do you know?
In the following months, serious events, endeavours, and people of impact and meaning began to appear in my life. Living life to it's fullest. With meaning, passion, hope, love, impact, positives, as God and my mother intended.
Jadwiga always knew me better than i know myself. Saw things in me i never knew myself. Today, she is still my guide. my life has love, meaning, importance, sobriety, joy, some peace, some abundance. Still trying to make her proud cuz i know she is watching. For way too long i did nothing but disappoint. Even tho not mentally with me she is always with me. I still hear her. RIGHT-WRONG. GOOD-BAD. I try my best. When i fail or succeed, she knows.
So I go on. Forward for my work and my loved ones. I deserve the best life has to offer. God, Jesus, and Jadwiga taught me this.
Thank you mom. I miss you everyday. And I still need you.
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THEN, THERE IS THIS ;
Getting to the other side, from dark to light, as God/JC intend. Bad things happen to good people, tragic even. Live long enuf, we see it all. Over coming catastrophe, with time, with friends who truly care, and love, is possible. Easy to say, i get that. For when the unthinkable happens, we cannot see past it. Albeit, life continues. We must and can find hope, new purpose, reasons to get out of bed, to go on living. We can find the best in life even after tragedy.
Never easy, but . . .
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY - 3 YEARS AGO;
BIG plans, a meeting, dinner out, @ a party to attend !!! WEEEEEEEE !!! Stuff i love more than ever. All the more better just being sober. I have more fun now that i am sober(19 years ! whooppee !), then ever. The air is fresher. Food tastes better. SOBER SEX FUCKING RULES !! And a good NFL game is the most fun one can have with your clothes on ! Focus ! FW, look at me! ok ok ok, cut me some slack would ya ? Reader - HEEELLLPPP !!, i beg. I NEVER DID NOTHING TO NOBODY !(3 negatives, one sentence, not bad huh?). Still you scoff !! Tho i suppose scoffing is better than sniggering, what you think ? Certainly when sniggering behind my back ! I KNOW ! I CHECK ! I SEE ! Nor am i paranoid(BLACK SABBATH ! still got it baby !) See how it all comes together? Full circle, huh? Instant karma, it never stops. It goes around, back at ya ! Will someone please tell me to shut the fuck up already, YEESSHH ! I got a chapter to write, serious writer am I. Not Sam, thank you !
WEEEEEE !!!! I am on what those in "the business" call a proverbial roll ! someday it ain't gonna stop @ they gonna take me to the big psyche-ward sporting a straight jacket ! drooling, and peeing on myself. yes, good times. Just like the old drinkin' @ druggin' days. memories, hallmark moments. sweet reminiscing. A glamorous lifestyle, no? Ok, mommy, please club me upside my skull, thank you. Jadwiga, always there for me. For if not there then where, hhmm?
AND WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IS THIS NON-SENSE GOING ? Right into to my soon to be released blockbuster monster of non-literature LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, With the Heart of a Child. free previews on my blog of same name. self-promotion at it's finest ! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!
MOMMY - HELP - this is just one big cry for help anyways.
SB - SUNDAY - 3 YEARS AGO;
Party cancelled. meeting is out. dinner out, no. My day is ruined ! sulking-self pity-poor me-WAAAHHH, i cry. king baby is back, full-force. pissed off, sobbing-"motherfucker". WHY ! WHY ! curled up on floor, inconsolable(this is long-term sobriety at work). AAAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH !!! doorbell rings ! wha ? sniffle, fully composed within a second, all good. remember, i am not supposed to be here.
My oldest friend is at the door, no call, unannounced. strange, this, he lives 2 hours drive away. Nevertheless(got it!),
Come in, sit. He talks, he begins to weep, i say nothing. He speaks, my wife is dead. She walked in front of a train 2 days ago. She killed herself.
SILENCE. i am not breathing. I weep also. no words for how long i do not recall. stunned silence, just tears.
THE WIFE; - over the previous years developed an addiction to illegally purchased prescription meds. The marriage was on the rocks. My last visit to there home had such a bad vibe it was palpable. They could not be in the same room together. Things were obviously terribly wrong.
The wife became addicted to pills of any and all varieties. My friend assumes they were purchased via internets. Mod-tech, making our lives easier, no? She became someone i did not know. She looked different, sounded different, different personality entirely. Extremely fucked up was my expert professional opinion. and i would know. My friend was massively stressing. miserable to put it mildly. I told him that day " you 2 need to get the hell away from each other. You are gonna have a heart attack". He agreed.
Next I saw my friend, he was at the front door.
He finally went on to explain that he found a large jar of pills of all sorts hidden amongst her things. Saying, " i don't know what this is, nor from where she got them". Things went hay-wire, things went sideways. She left notes for the family to find. For this was all thought out prior to happening. AND SHE WALKED IN FRONT OF A TRAIN.
let this sit for a moment.
A sadder event i am not aware of. My friend is a good man, from a good family. I've known him my entire life. A true friend to many. For this to happen to him, is gut-wrenching. In previous years, these 2 seemed to have all the ingredients for a good life.
And then, this.
MAN, WHEN GOD WANTS YOU TO BE SOMEWHERE, THERE YOU WILL BE. Remember, i was not supposed to be home that day. last second cancellations across the board. But God wanted me home that day ! at that time ! to be there for my friend. I thank God i was home, giving me a chance to be a true friend at a most crucial moment. Somehow, hopefully giving comfort to a circumstance that is incomprehensible.
3 YEARS LATER;
I have been extremely concerned about my friends well being. Alone, with demons in that huge house. How do we go on from this ? How do we not crack up? How do we pick up the pieces. There are no adequate words. Hoping, he too, was not suicidal. Words are so utterly useless. The more i write the more obvious this is to me. There is no closure. Closure happened when the wife walked in front of a train.
THE PHARMACUTICALS;
THE BIGGEST FUCKING CONS IN THE USA ! They have sold America down the river and our fucking politicians let them get away with it. Criminals is what they are, and the shrinks, the md's, are counting their bonuses and have become legalized dope-dealers !
YEAH AMERICA ! WELL DONE ! the usa is hooked on the biggest con going. PILLS-PILLS-MORE PILLS !! But it's ok for me cuz my dr. gave me the prescription, right ? there it is. denial in all it's glory. we can talk ourselves into anything, no? rendering my argument mute. I LOSE. BIG PHARM WINS. This is not healthcare. this is legalized drug dealing. and to debate me on this you are dead wrong and probably hooked yourselves.
Motherfuckers is what they are. ALL DRUG DEALERS. try this, no? try these. so it goes. MONEY TALKS BABY ! and good people, good families, moms, dads, kids, are left in ruin. and hooked.
Over the last couple of years, conversations with my friend have left me quite disturbed. Trying to go on with his life, but there is no clarity, nothing rational. This was not the same guy. on several occasions, i thought, i hope he is not suicidal. i hope he is not drinking. i hope he is not on pills. until now.
We hooked up at The Boat and RV Show, Windy City. We talked for about an hour inside a RV he was thinking of buying. He spoke about the future. He spoke rationally and calmly for the 1st time in 3 years. His plans were well thought out. I felt relieved for the 1st time in 3 years. He spoke with hope restored. He spoke with clarity.
He is a good man. I was very pleased to have the opportunity to see him and hear this. grateful i was given the opportunity to be his friend. Time-grace of God-healing-being present-being a friend thru the good and the awful.
Awesome gifts these are. Grateful seeing my friend go from the darkness to the light, with hope, some joy, maybe, perhaps, love again.
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My life, never a dull moment. Grateful i could be a friend. Jadwiga would be pleased. This is why we are on this planet. This is the man she always wanted me to be. Still trying not to disappoint. Even thru the darkness, life again can be beautiful. and I, FW Roman, am the most blessed man on the planet ! AGAIN-STILL !!!!
and on any other dimension our souls and angels exist.
PEACE AND LOVE ALWAYS,
FW Roman
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CHAPTER THEME SONG; HURT by Nine Inch Nails
Trent Reznor is a freakin genius. Finally I am giving him some love. this song, JESUS ! scares the hell out of me. this is what drug addiction is. this is where it goes. been there, the darkness of rock bottom. Never want to go there ever ! Terrifying. check it out Live on YOU TUBE, the greatest invention of all-time ! also, check out what Johnny Cash did with this song just before he passed away, also a classic !
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LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar! - buy online at Amazon.com, Kindle, Create Space.com, google books, and E-bay.
Read my blog ! what the hell you waiting for ! buy my book already, goddammit ! a bargain at any price says momma, Leila, and Logan !
LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, With the Heart of a Child coming soon !!!
KB - FOR YOU, ALWAYS YOU
Can we get on with this, already ? JESUS ! how much longer do i have to suffer ? NONETHELESS (cousin of James @ Never, yes ! give it to me baby ! I still got it ! what exactly IT is, not sure. don't want to know either), to my loyal fan base(we are growing, KB, Leila-2 years old, Logan-2 months old. the #'s speak for themselves !), Rome was not built in a day, no sir !
I do believe in heaven @ hell on Earth. Been there, done that. Prefer heaven, but i digress, and that's just me, and 1 man's opine(what the fuck does opine mean ?).
But, albeit(come on!), what of after? When Big D comes a callin' ? What then? Dunno. NEVERTHELESS(not to be outdone by James or None), I have encountered some mystical experiences that i would like to share. For, if I am anything(as Leila can attest), I am a giver ! High tea from the other side !
SCARY MUSIC PLEASE, MAESTRO !
any hip-hop is fine. gag me !
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If you have read, LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar !(and if you have not, what the hell are you waiting for? available on-line at Amazon.com, Kindle, Create Space.com, Google books. time to step into the light!), you know that i have been visited by Big D Hisself, the Grim Reaper. High Tea with the Reaper, an experience not to forget. Quite the attention grabber, i gots to tell ya ! This guy, uninvited I might add, was as real as anything I could touch, feel, @ see as we speak. Was it a warning? I was close to death, perhaps one drink away, or one more line and I would be over.
I took it as a warning. My time had come. Big D was in the house ! But GOD SAID NO ! I was spared. Still kicking, 19 years sober ! YEEAAHH(there was much rejoicing) ! I dodged a bullet to the brain. Scared the bejesus out of me i got to tell ya! GR left quite the impression, a man with impact, not subtle.
Msg. being, if i DO NOT STOP DRINKING NOW ! IF I DO NOT STOP DRUGGING NOW ! I was done, dead, over. I have never ever forgotten this experience, it is never far away, it sure is a motivating factor to say the least.
And it did happen. Scary shit. good fear for me to hang onto. keeps me sober. keeps me in recovery. keeps me working a program.
Scary dude, this grim reaper. Did me a favor by scaring the living daylights out of me.
so, perhaps, there is life after death, cuz i have had other visits, other uninvited guests into my home. Yes, also, from the other side. Not scary, these, but as real as now. So, nevertheless, albeit, alas, nonetheless, and yes, jamestheless(now i am just showing off - my vernacular if you will, verbal usage and Jadwiga just clubbed me upside the head !), Take a ride if you dare ! We go to the Other side ! Can i satisfactorily explain these verbal one-on-one face-to-face encounters? Hell no. Don't care if you believe this or not. I can discuss these visits as I saw them. Truths, for i was there and i write with 100% conviction.
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DARZ COMES A CALLIN' - 20 years later;
My bestfriend from childhood, HS, college, thru our 20's. when he got married i was bestman at his wedding. Darz had a brilliant mind, a chemical engineer with a degree from U of I, Champagne, of course. Funny as hell, god did we laugh, having endless fun ! we did all together.
This guy got bumped up 2 grades in school, as i said, brilliant. A rock-n-rolla, a party animal, but, unlike me, Darz knew when to say when. So as the years go on, i am drinking to oblivion, Darz is conquering the world. Got his degree, got the job, got the house in Pittsburg, planning for many rugrats, got the wife. Seemingly, having life by the balls right ? NO.
DARZ DIED IN 1993 AT THE AGE OF 29
OCTOBER 1993 ;
Hey man, what up? - Visit #1;
The day of Darz's death, that night, my French door windows are open as usual. While sleeping, a loud bang wakes me. I get up and look around. My Japanese room dividers are knocked over, apparently by a gust of wind. NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE NOR SINCE. Funny that.
The day of, the wife wakes up, and finds Darz on the floor, dead. An apparent victim of an undiagnosed heart ailment. He was 29 and healthy. Gut-wrenching and so terribly sad. My bestfriend never to be replaced. He is missed, still.
I was drunk at the church service, wake, and burial. I am ashamed to admit this but I must be honest. My last look at the wife was at the grave site. She was incredibly brave and stoic throughout. I was drunk.
The following years, '93-97', my drinking and drugging accelerated at a blitzkrieg pace. Leading ultimately to my ROCK BOTTOM and a rendezvous with The Reaper. I was not going to make it. Death told me so. Divine Intervention saved me. God said "no, not yet". I was saved. Darz died.
FAST-FORWARD 19 YEARS, 2012;
Low and behold, you just never know what's gonna happen next in this adventure called life, do ya ? WOW ! Sometimes, man !
Darz's widow and I cross paths, 2 decades later. UNBELIEVABLE ! The last siting being at the graveside. No contact. Needless to say, I was quite nervous and surprisingly smitten. She looked fabulous, stunning. Way better looking than 20 years ago. Some women age incredibly well and 50 has become the new 40, or hell, even the new 35 ! I MEAN OUTTHEFUCKINGPARK !
Women over 40, 45 even, 50 yes, fucking rock ! These women are in their prime in every way. Personally, psychologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually these women, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD ! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT !
OK, where the fuck was I and where the fuck did I just go? Somethings never change, do they? Got off the track a tadbit, didn't I? Easy to do with this topic, and well, you know me. I am a product of the 60's @ 70's, so forget about it. Women of that generation, HOT-HOT-HOT ! Best looking women in the history of the good ole USA ! Bar none ! Blessed, me, no? Thank you God !
We had the best music and the best looking women ! We fucking killed it !
Again, where the hell am going with this? The pen takes a life all it's own, sometimes. No control. Good to let loose every now and then, no? YES !
NEVERTHEFUCKINGLESS ! stop me, help me, this is, and always will be one big cry for help !
Thinkin' you could figure this one out all by yourselves, huh? The widow and I started dating, surprise ! NOT A GOOD IDEA. Very sweet, for about a second and a 1/2. Things quickly soured and the brief affair ended. During those weeks, Darz came a callin'. High tea with Darz 19 years in the grave ! This came directly after I paid him a visit at the cemetery, which I had not been to in 2 decades. At the graveside, we had a chat. well i talked. Darz is in the ground. Told him many things. Covering the gamut(give it to me baby?), even disclosing i was dating his widow. Many tears, still. 20 years, Jesus !
A short time later, back home, I had a dream. No, not a dream, for what i am saying was as real as the dick in my hand(joking!), I seldom remember my dreams. If I do, they are so convoluted making no sense whatsoever. But this one. This was vivid with a clarity not familiar to me. A beginning middle and end. Nothing jagged and twisted. Nothing like an LSD trip believe you me! I remember all of it, for this was no dream.
Darz paid a visit. I found myself with him at an all-black congregation i know not where. During mass or service, or whatever the hell it is called, we sat side by side in a pew(bench) having a chat. We were being disruptive as was our wont(yes!) and told to keep it down and shut up. Actually, I was told to shut up cuz they could not see Darz. He got up and i followed to a side sitting area where we continued talking and not be disruptive.
AND MAN, DARZ WAS PISSED OFF !
Angry still, about being dead. Apparently, time is different on the otherside. He spoke as if he died yesterday. Simmering, then exploding, "I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD ! I AM 29 YEARS OLD. I HAVE A WIFE, A HOME. WE ARE PLANNING FOR A TON OF KIDS. I HAVE A JOB, A CAREER. I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !".
I was speechless. Finally, all i could muster was sorry. That i am so sorry. Sorry for not looking after his wife after you died. I was a drunk. i am so sorry. i miss you, still.
Darz went on explaining what death is like. He misses touching people, a hand, a hug, a kiss. Being dead he cannot physically touch anything or anybody. Darz put his forehead on mine and said "I can't feel you".
Tears came. We spoke about his wife. He got up said "no", and walked away. Shortly after, the widow and i stopped dating.
I woke not from a dream. this was real. clear, nothing surreal. we were together, of this i have no doubts.
The purpose. Perhaps he sensed a spiritual crisis coming my way. Maybe he needed to vent. The dead also need to vent, what with being in the dirt and all that. Or he was pissed i was with his wife ! How the hell do i know ?
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The dead seem to know things that the living do not. Not scary in the least, albeit(come on !), they do have a ton of impact ! The deceased make quite the impression. An experience I shall never forget.
Life hereafter ? - Apparently, yes. We all gonna find out tho. "NO ONE HERE GETS OUT ALIVE",-(The Doors, thank you). Oddly enuf, death does not frighten me. I was always more afraid of living. "EVERY MAN DIES. NOT EVERY MAN TRULY LIVES", (Braveheart, thanks again). Not in any rush, no. LIFE-SHORT, DEAD-FOREVER. Let's just hold off on that one for a while longer, savvy? Gonna hang on to this living thing as long as possible. Ride it out, baby ! Enjoy the ride ! Cuz, man, it don't last. Life is so precious, so fickle. Lucky, sure. Divine intervention, oh yeah! But, "GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!"(Jerry Lee Lewis, acknowledge), it can be so beautiful.
Now that I am sober(19 years last i checked, weeeeeeeee!), i am and have been on borrowed time. I could have ended 1000 times easy. Yes, i am a walking miracle. What i do with my life is my thanks to God. For without, I am gone 19 years now. Blessed, truly. The whole thing. Darz taught me this.
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NEXT !
JADWIGA;
Yes, that Jadwiga, my mother. Reader, you know my mom(cuz i know you read LBOH - God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar!, and if you haven't, i'm gonna come at ya!). You know some of her story. GOOOOO !!!!
My mother for the past 10 years has been afflicted with full boat dementia, no longer knowing who I am. The woman who raised me is gone. I choose to believe she is in a better place. The realities of her life becoming too unbearable. Sorry mom, I tried to save you but i was too late. Too many assholes stacked against us. Assholes some people refer to as family members. How i have not committed homicide i will never know. Forgive me mom. My disease and too many fucking assholes proved too much for me. I take this to the grave.
Mom is gone. My friend, the woman who taught me right @ wrong, good @ bad, loving me to the bitter end. The strongest woman I have ever known. Alas(yes!), she is still with me, everyday, watching over me. Residing in my heart, mind, @ soul. I hear her still trying to teach me right @ wrong, and if i am screwing up i hear saying, "you are so stupid", and she was always right. Always, always, always knowing when i was screwing up. Lying to her was just plain foolish. So i talk to her still. I feel her. There is comfort.
AND SHE COMES TO SEE ME.
A dream you say. I say no! These visits are as real as the desk i type on. As real as right now. Nothing dream like, nor surreal. There is clarity with vivid recollection. Nothing jagged, nothing wavers.
THE LAST GREETING;
I was sleeping, of course and Jadwiga is right there with me. Real, but somewhere else nevertheless. This visit was short and sweet. Direct and to the point. No beating around the bush with my mom. She came right up and as was her wont, put both hands on my face, looked me in the eyes and said "Roman, wake up". I was speechless and barely breathing for this was kinda our pattern our entire lives. Lifting her hands, she took one last long look turned and walked away.
I woke not as from a dream but from a real conversation. Thinking, Jesus, she was just here. Perfect recollection, vivid. Here ! Just now ! Nothing scary, just her presence as real as in our life together. Lot's of concern tho, about me. Giving me a warning? A sign? A head's up? Or, perhaps, hey jackass, smell the coffee, the clock is ticking, wake the hell up ! Make changes in your life now. You ain't gettin' any younger. Make better decisions. Get your priorities and your values straight. Pay close attention. Get serious. No room for any more tragic blunders. Made way too many of those. Stop wasting time on things and people that are not important. Live life to it's fullest. Take calculated risks. Open your heart to love again. I have been closed for 10 years. Life can be beautiful again. Get it ! live it, love, joy, go ! Get busy on what and who is important. To hell with the rest. I listened as never before. And what do you know?
In the following months, serious events, endeavours, and people of impact and meaning began to appear in my life. Living life to it's fullest. With meaning, passion, hope, love, impact, positives, as God and my mother intended.
Jadwiga always knew me better than i know myself. Saw things in me i never knew myself. Today, she is still my guide. my life has love, meaning, importance, sobriety, joy, some peace, some abundance. Still trying to make her proud cuz i know she is watching. For way too long i did nothing but disappoint. Even tho not mentally with me she is always with me. I still hear her. RIGHT-WRONG. GOOD-BAD. I try my best. When i fail or succeed, she knows.
So I go on. Forward for my work and my loved ones. I deserve the best life has to offer. God, Jesus, and Jadwiga taught me this.
Thank you mom. I miss you everyday. And I still need you.
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THEN, THERE IS THIS ;
Getting to the other side, from dark to light, as God/JC intend. Bad things happen to good people, tragic even. Live long enuf, we see it all. Over coming catastrophe, with time, with friends who truly care, and love, is possible. Easy to say, i get that. For when the unthinkable happens, we cannot see past it. Albeit, life continues. We must and can find hope, new purpose, reasons to get out of bed, to go on living. We can find the best in life even after tragedy.
Never easy, but . . .
SUPERBOWL SUNDAY - 3 YEARS AGO;
BIG plans, a meeting, dinner out, @ a party to attend !!! WEEEEEEEE !!! Stuff i love more than ever. All the more better just being sober. I have more fun now that i am sober(19 years ! whooppee !), then ever. The air is fresher. Food tastes better. SOBER SEX FUCKING RULES !! And a good NFL game is the most fun one can have with your clothes on ! Focus ! FW, look at me! ok ok ok, cut me some slack would ya ? Reader - HEEELLLPPP !!, i beg. I NEVER DID NOTHING TO NOBODY !(3 negatives, one sentence, not bad huh?). Still you scoff !! Tho i suppose scoffing is better than sniggering, what you think ? Certainly when sniggering behind my back ! I KNOW ! I CHECK ! I SEE ! Nor am i paranoid(BLACK SABBATH ! still got it baby !) See how it all comes together? Full circle, huh? Instant karma, it never stops. It goes around, back at ya ! Will someone please tell me to shut the fuck up already, YEESSHH ! I got a chapter to write, serious writer am I. Not Sam, thank you !
WEEEEEE !!!! I am on what those in "the business" call a proverbial roll ! someday it ain't gonna stop @ they gonna take me to the big psyche-ward sporting a straight jacket ! drooling, and peeing on myself. yes, good times. Just like the old drinkin' @ druggin' days. memories, hallmark moments. sweet reminiscing. A glamorous lifestyle, no? Ok, mommy, please club me upside my skull, thank you. Jadwiga, always there for me. For if not there then where, hhmm?
AND WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IS THIS NON-SENSE GOING ? Right into to my soon to be released blockbuster monster of non-literature LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, With the Heart of a Child. free previews on my blog of same name. self-promotion at it's finest ! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!
MOMMY - HELP - this is just one big cry for help anyways.
SB - SUNDAY - 3 YEARS AGO;
Party cancelled. meeting is out. dinner out, no. My day is ruined ! sulking-self pity-poor me-WAAAHHH, i cry. king baby is back, full-force. pissed off, sobbing-"motherfucker". WHY ! WHY ! curled up on floor, inconsolable(this is long-term sobriety at work). AAAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH !!! doorbell rings ! wha ? sniffle, fully composed within a second, all good. remember, i am not supposed to be here.
My oldest friend is at the door, no call, unannounced. strange, this, he lives 2 hours drive away. Nevertheless(got it!),
Come in, sit. He talks, he begins to weep, i say nothing. He speaks, my wife is dead. She walked in front of a train 2 days ago. She killed herself.
SILENCE. i am not breathing. I weep also. no words for how long i do not recall. stunned silence, just tears.
THE WIFE; - over the previous years developed an addiction to illegally purchased prescription meds. The marriage was on the rocks. My last visit to there home had such a bad vibe it was palpable. They could not be in the same room together. Things were obviously terribly wrong.
The wife became addicted to pills of any and all varieties. My friend assumes they were purchased via internets. Mod-tech, making our lives easier, no? She became someone i did not know. She looked different, sounded different, different personality entirely. Extremely fucked up was my expert professional opinion. and i would know. My friend was massively stressing. miserable to put it mildly. I told him that day " you 2 need to get the hell away from each other. You are gonna have a heart attack". He agreed.
Next I saw my friend, he was at the front door.
He finally went on to explain that he found a large jar of pills of all sorts hidden amongst her things. Saying, " i don't know what this is, nor from where she got them". Things went hay-wire, things went sideways. She left notes for the family to find. For this was all thought out prior to happening. AND SHE WALKED IN FRONT OF A TRAIN.
let this sit for a moment.
A sadder event i am not aware of. My friend is a good man, from a good family. I've known him my entire life. A true friend to many. For this to happen to him, is gut-wrenching. In previous years, these 2 seemed to have all the ingredients for a good life.
And then, this.
MAN, WHEN GOD WANTS YOU TO BE SOMEWHERE, THERE YOU WILL BE. Remember, i was not supposed to be home that day. last second cancellations across the board. But God wanted me home that day ! at that time ! to be there for my friend. I thank God i was home, giving me a chance to be a true friend at a most crucial moment. Somehow, hopefully giving comfort to a circumstance that is incomprehensible.
3 YEARS LATER;
I have been extremely concerned about my friends well being. Alone, with demons in that huge house. How do we go on from this ? How do we not crack up? How do we pick up the pieces. There are no adequate words. Hoping, he too, was not suicidal. Words are so utterly useless. The more i write the more obvious this is to me. There is no closure. Closure happened when the wife walked in front of a train.
THE PHARMACUTICALS;
THE BIGGEST FUCKING CONS IN THE USA ! They have sold America down the river and our fucking politicians let them get away with it. Criminals is what they are, and the shrinks, the md's, are counting their bonuses and have become legalized dope-dealers !
YEAH AMERICA ! WELL DONE ! the usa is hooked on the biggest con going. PILLS-PILLS-MORE PILLS !! But it's ok for me cuz my dr. gave me the prescription, right ? there it is. denial in all it's glory. we can talk ourselves into anything, no? rendering my argument mute. I LOSE. BIG PHARM WINS. This is not healthcare. this is legalized drug dealing. and to debate me on this you are dead wrong and probably hooked yourselves.
Motherfuckers is what they are. ALL DRUG DEALERS. try this, no? try these. so it goes. MONEY TALKS BABY ! and good people, good families, moms, dads, kids, are left in ruin. and hooked.
Over the last couple of years, conversations with my friend have left me quite disturbed. Trying to go on with his life, but there is no clarity, nothing rational. This was not the same guy. on several occasions, i thought, i hope he is not suicidal. i hope he is not drinking. i hope he is not on pills. until now.
We hooked up at The Boat and RV Show, Windy City. We talked for about an hour inside a RV he was thinking of buying. He spoke about the future. He spoke rationally and calmly for the 1st time in 3 years. His plans were well thought out. I felt relieved for the 1st time in 3 years. He spoke with hope restored. He spoke with clarity.
He is a good man. I was very pleased to have the opportunity to see him and hear this. grateful i was given the opportunity to be his friend. Time-grace of God-healing-being present-being a friend thru the good and the awful.
Awesome gifts these are. Grateful seeing my friend go from the darkness to the light, with hope, some joy, maybe, perhaps, love again.
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My life, never a dull moment. Grateful i could be a friend. Jadwiga would be pleased. This is why we are on this planet. This is the man she always wanted me to be. Still trying not to disappoint. Even thru the darkness, life again can be beautiful. and I, FW Roman, am the most blessed man on the planet ! AGAIN-STILL !!!!
and on any other dimension our souls and angels exist.
PEACE AND LOVE ALWAYS,
FW Roman
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CHAPTER THEME SONG; HURT by Nine Inch Nails
Trent Reznor is a freakin genius. Finally I am giving him some love. this song, JESUS ! scares the hell out of me. this is what drug addiction is. this is where it goes. been there, the darkness of rock bottom. Never want to go there ever ! Terrifying. check it out Live on YOU TUBE, the greatest invention of all-time ! also, check out what Johnny Cash did with this song just before he passed away, also a classic !
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LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar! - buy online at Amazon.com, Kindle, Create Space.com, google books, and E-bay.
Read my blog ! what the hell you waiting for ! buy my book already, goddammit ! a bargain at any price says momma, Leila, and Logan !
LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE, With the Heart of a Child coming soon !!!
KB - FOR YOU, ALWAYS YOU
posted by FW Roman @ 4:04 PM
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