Elton John - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting (Yellow Brick Road 14...

 

ELTON AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS POWER !! NEVER GETS OLD !!

John Lennon - "Beautiful Boy"

  THE SENTIMENT OF ANY LOVING PARENT. BULL's EYE ! THERE IS A GOD!

Doris Day - Que Sera Sera

 THIS ONE FOR JADWIGA

                                      JADWIGA, (Que Sera, Sera) 

 Jesus, please help me with this one. Last I wrote 'bout my mother, the tears would not stop flowing thru out. That chapter was titled 1,000 Pieces, in reference to my heart, from my previous masterpiece of non-literature, LAST-BEST-ONLY- HOPE, God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar !, can be found @ purchased at AMAZON.COM. In Ebook or paperback. 

  Now, we have reached the end of this saga. My heart is breaking, fighting tears, but the worst is over. She is in heaven. 

  Jadwiga - "I am still your mother. You still have to listen to me".   Me - "Yes, mommy".

  Funny how well into middle age, I still called her mommy. 

Mom - "Do you know right from wrong"?

Me, age 5, "Yes mom".

Me, age 15, "Yes mom". I'm lying. 

Me, age 25, "Yes mom". Lying again. I'm a drunk. 

Me, age 35, "No mom". Rock bottom alcoholic at The Jumping Off Place. 

  There is a moral in here, somewhere. 

TODAY- Age 55 - "Do I know right from wrong"?

  One hell of a question. THE question of my entire life. My definition of my psychosis, I do know right from wrong, @ yet, so often, so many times, too many times, I choose wrong. 

  Drinking is the perfect example. I drank knowing full well that this is gonna be a disaster, @ doing it anyway, head first, no hesitation. This clearly represents my insanity of my entire life. There are other examples, which is another chapter in the continuing saga of my life, personal insanity without booze @ drugs, underlined by indifference, apathy, running. A scary dangerous place. People get hurt this way and the consequences always coming back with a vengeance. I do know wrong @ right, with a commitment to reality, which is my definition of spirituality. However, my decisions, choices, based in fantasy @ illusion, without one iota of why, lead to gut-wrenching heartbreak, and more insanity for me @ others. 

   Why am I like this? My entire life? Therapy here we come, again! Phew, just in time too. Dodging more bullets here. Thank God no one was killed, (by the skin of my teeth, there is a god). All I am capable of doing now is try to do better. We are defined by what we do. My thinking, ridiculous. Words are so cheap. The quality of my life comes down to my choices, decisions, @ action that follows. Welcome to my world. It ain't easy being me. 

   I will never, ever understand the events that unfolded over the last 11 years, 2 months, @ 15 days of Jadwiga's life, but who's counting? The right @ wrong flashing as a neon sign, albeit, in my eyes only. I have tried to comprehend @ it's time to stop. Things happen to all of us that defy understanding, THE WHAT THE FUCK ! shit that catches up to us all at one time or another. The trying became an exercise in futility banging my head into a brick wall. Then comes the lack of acceptance. How do we accept the unacceptable? 

Time to stop trying, it ain't gonna happen.  

                        ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jadwiga, (11-23-24 thru 2-20-17) 

  My mom passed away 5:08 am on February 20, 2017. My center, my moral compass, my connect to my family, is gone. My last words to her the night before were, " Mommy, forgive me. I am so sorry. I love you. I still need you. You still have to take care of me. Please take care of me". I pray to my mother every morning, saying pretty much the same thing. 

The Last 6 Months; 

  Things at my parent's home were always bad, and now getting worse. Both elderly, 'bout 90. For my mother, the end was coming, fast. Mom had a bad fall, again(we shall return to this), bruising the hell out of her entire face, a golf ball size lump on her forehead. My dad(aaauuurrrggghhh!), explained that she fell out of her wheelchair while on the front porch, face first into the hardwood floor. Jadwiga's face looked like someone hit her in the face with a baseball bat. Thusly, me becoming a healthcare giver to both parents. Along with two employed healthcare givers, my sister, @ some help from other siblings. Mom, 92, an invalid needing constant care. My father, 90, losing his memory @ having falls of his own. 

  My mother shut down 11 years ago, becoming a prisoner in her own home, deteriorating mind, @ body. How in the name of Jesus did she stay alive this long? How she survived the events of 12-5-05 is mind boggling. 

  The last 11 years of Jadwiga's life were a disgrace, a nightmare, a massive dishonor without regard to what was good @ right for her needs, welfare, safety, @ overall comfort. All were thrown out the window by Chester @ the rest of my oh so dysfunctional family. I have been left embittered, disheartened, crushed by these devastating events which began the day my father put a bullet into my mother's chest. Jadwiga should not have spent another second of her life in that godforsaken home, but I am alone on this one. How in the name of God can I be the only member of my family to see things this way? 

  A family dynamic of psychosis being manipulated by Chester for their entire lives with Jadwiga paying the ultimate price. I sometimes think it would have been better if she had died on 12-5-05. Empathy, comprehension, clarity do not exist being replaced by bewilderment, bitter disappointment, shame, @ utter heartbreak. This has gone on for 11 years. The end was a blessing.

  However, I was alone on this one. Me against 9. Jadwiga lost. AND ALL OF IT MAKES ME FUCKING SICK!  

                                      &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

FLASHBACK, (12-5-05); 

   Hallmark family memories. Very Soprano like. Some of you are familiar with this saga. If not, you can read about it in all its gory glory in my previous book in the chapter 1,000 Pieces. 

   The madness begins. Papa shoots momma in the chest. Miraculously, she lives. Chester is arrested, With legal assistance provided by my family, after a couple of days in lock-up, Chester is released. All charges of attempted murder are dropped(what the fuck!). 

  The madness continues. My last coherent conversations with my mom were at the hospital. Middle of the night stuff. Just her @ me. Jadwiga explaining to me how the fucker, (daddy, her husband) tried to kill her! After 11 days in ICU, Jadwiga is released from the hospital. My family in their infinite stupidity, decide it is ok for my mother to go back home(what the fuck)! The single greatest act of cruelty I have ever known. I take this to my fucking grave. Not sure which is worse, the shooting or my family putting Jadwiga back into the house where she was shot. In the care of the man who tried to kill her!  

  I was crushed by this decision. All happened behind my back. Without my knowledge. A part of me got broke back then. Still not fixed. Some things, we never get over. 

  THE SINGLE GREATEST ACT OF CRUELTY I HAVE EVER KNOWN.  

My Understanding - 11 Years In The Making, Me; 

  I did not save her. It was my responsibility to protect her, I failed. Very difficult to forgive me on this one. I take this to my grave. I was against the decision to put mom back into the house. I felt it was crazy @ dangerous. But I was the only one. Me V. rest of family. The decision made. I was aghast, appalled, frightened for her. SHE DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE! Who would? But she was helpless @ my family put her back into the last place in the world she should have gone. 

   How could I be the only one? 

  The last 11 years of Jadwiga's life was a nightmare. She was alone, abandoned, @ left living with a psychopath. Afraid @ discarded by the very people who were supposed to take care of her when she needed it most. Her disappointment completely devastating. Beyond cruel. I take this to my grave. 

  Perhaps, I could not save her. The police dropped all charges. Daddy was free. Exonerated and the entire family, besides me, went along. Jadwiga was thrown away as the trash. In therapy, I have learned that realistically, legally, financially, my hands were tied. Perhaps there was nothing I could do. I could not make this right. I could not fix this. Powerless. Logically, maybe. Nevertheless, I don't believe in I can't. There had to be something. What? I do not know. Nothing? GODDAMMIT !!!!

  My mother became a prisoner in her own home. She deserved so much better. A good woman @ a fantastic mom. Her whole life way too hard. Jadwiga should have lived the last years of her life and died with dignity, honor, @ love. She did not. 

My Family; 

 An entire family dynamic of insanity, stupidity, @ no courage with daddy pulling the strings on the lot. Daddy controlling the mind set of their entire lives. Not one with the balls to stand up to this prick even to the disgrace of their mother. All except me @ daddy despises me. All I see is the cruel, uncaring, unkind attitude directed at my mother. And thru it all, what was accomplished? 

1) Helped daddy beat an attempted murder charge. He shot her, no accident whatever the explanations. My gut tells me murder/suicide. Dad shoots mom, sees what he has done and does not have the balls to kill himself. And my family is ok with all this? HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Madness. 

2) Put Jadwiga back into the house with the same asshole who tried to kill her. Beyond madness. Her bewilderment, shock, fear, heartbreak is unimaginable. They cut her loose as the cowards they are. This crushed me, still. 

3) Jadwiga, now a slave, a prisoner in her own home. Helpless where she should have been safest. She shut down, becoming an invalid. Words at this time are fucking useless. Incomprehensible Demoralization. The last place she should have been. 

4) Daddy's well being became paramount over what Jadwiga needed. All concerned with his fragility, his mental state, @ threats of suicide. DADDY IS A FUCKING CONMAN @ they all fell for it, again! Who shot who? Who got shot? Who needed the ultimate care @ concern? Who's life was on the line? They made daddy the victim! THE FAMILY DID NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY YOUR MOTHER, EVEN AFTER HE SHOT HER!  Jadwiga was totally neglected. Beyond stupid. Beyond unkind. A disgrace. 

5) In their infinite stupidity @ lack of concern for Jadwiga, after some time had passed, these jackasses GAVE DADDY HIS GUNS BACK! This one I will never get over. This makes me want to punch people in the face. This obviously disturbed dangerous man, after shooting his wife, after countless threats of killing himself, is exonerated @ trusted enough to be given his guns back, with my mother in the house!  The prick is gonna laugh about this one straight to the gates of hell. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! 

6) MY HOPE, for the lot, is that your children treat you as you treated your mother. One of your daughters gets shot by her husband, you gonna put her back in that house? FUCK YOU ARE! But this, you do to your mother. How can I be the only one? Ava, one of the healthcare workers, a guardian angel who adored my mom, is the only member of the inner circle who sees things as I do. 

ALL OF IT, DEVASTATINGLY SAD. CAN'T ARGUE WITH CRAZY. CRAZY WINS EVERY TIME. 

                                   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  

LIVING AMENDS - The Last 6 Months; 

  Mom is shut down, her life coming to an end. Daddy, 89, is losing his marbles. These were 2 people, who happened to be my parents, in desperate need of help. Ave @ Sophie, the 2 healthcare givers, did a fantastic job under extreme conditions, but it was not enough, with my parents being left alone too long in the course of a day @ night. Jadwiga, helpless. Daddy almost helpless, beginning to have falls @ hurting himself with little or no recollection. I put the past aside @ tried to the best of my ability to help as much as possible, for this was not about me. This was something greater than myself. A God thing. Being there as often as possible, sleeping there when possible, doing whatever needed to be done. I am no hero, trying to do the next right thing, the next good thing when both parents needed it most. 

   Living amends. 

   When God wants you to be somewhere, He will get you there to be of maximum service when needed most, automatic, usually when life hits the fan, when times are really bad, when people need help the most. God was the guide thru out, calling the shots, choices being made for me. This was a no brainer, no hesitation. I acted. 

  Not gonna lie, this was one of the most difficult periods of my life. My job was busy as hell, physically demanding, up at 4:30am, getting home 'bout 6pm. The there @ back commute often taking 4 hours. BRUTAL. On average I got to my parents home 4 times/week, fair weather or foul, everything else became secondary, EVERYTHING @ EVERYBODY! Physically, mentally, emotionally, SPRITUALLY this was taking its toll. I paid the price in many ways that affected me, my life, @ people in it, in many negative ways. Ways in which we will not be getting into now. 

  Feedings-talking-massaging-bathroom-putting mom to bed. This is way hard for anybody. It was exhausting, albeit, the right thing to do. Daddy became a frightened helpless old man. We all knew the end was coming. Being there to the bitter end, being available was a blessing from God. Being sober made all this possible. Being there, available, willing, when things are at their worst, when we are needed most, this is a part of why we are on this planet. Becoming capable of doing things many people cannot. This seems to be how God works, this was not about me, this was something greater than myself. 

   I pray my mother and God are proud of me. I hope I was able to show her @ him, love, kindness, @ care when it was needed most. 

   I tried. 

                  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE GUARDIAN ANGELS- For There Are Many; 

   SOPHIE - M-F f/t HC giver, an extremely hard working woman. From what I saw she did a fantastic job under very difficult circumstances @ people. Hard work, man. At the end she was treated horribly by Chester who was cruel, foul, mean, @ an all-time prick to this woman. Aftermath, she fell into a massive depression from the cruelty of my family. Sophie, I hope you are well @ I thank you for what you did for my mother. No good deed goes unpunished. I apologize for the cruelty of my family. 

AVA - A wonderful woman @ a fantastic HC giver who loved Jadwiga deeply, probably extending my moms life by years(blessing or curse?). She handled my daddy masterfully, @ was heartbroken by my mom's death resigning soon after, having had enough of daddy. Ava was the ONLY member of the inner circle who saw things from my point of view. She showed my mother love, care, @ kindness. AVA, I thank you, you truly are a guardian angel. 

- Gotta give my sister a standing ovation for she was probably at Ma @ pa's more than I. Albeit, she was being paid @ was drunk half the time, nevertheless. Her son, just getting out of the joint, was with her sometimes, cuz he just got out of the joint @ has no life but gratitude needs to be extended nevertheless.My sister's family life was awful at this time, what with the recent death of her husband, along with the marriage of her other 20-year-old son, who just became a dad himself, right out of rehab. Can't make shit like this up, no one would believe it. 

 CHRISSY - My better half, my best teacher, my partner in recovery, the love of my heart. Everbody seemed to be doing what they were capable of doing. I recall one night putting Jadwiga to bed, Chrissy was with me.  Mom was pissed off, bitching at the world. The words were incomprehensible, but we knew. We did understand the horror, the fear, the frustration, the injustice, the nightmare of what this woman had gone thru for 11 years at the hands of her own family. It was heartbreaking with many tears praying for God to take her. Chrissy, you were there and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. You and your son, Jacob being there the day Jadwiga died will never be forgotten. 

AUNT HELEN - My father's sister. A wonder of the world. Being with her during this time was a gift from Heaven. She is a pure joy, an angel. 

JOHN - My boss who was with me upon hearing the news of mom's death. Tears were flowing and he was kind enough to drive me home at 7 am from Geneva. 

GRANT - My friend whose talks with me at this time filled me with humility @ gratitude. Reminding me that I have been blessed to live thru this sober. 

   I wish I could stop on this note. Alas, no no no. Naturally, I cannot, for this is my life remember. GODDAMMIT !!! 

                             $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Que Sera Sera - The Private Family Service - The End; 

   I must be honest @ bear my soul, therefore, we ain't done. We take this to the bitter end. The total dysfunction of my family, the humiliation, @ disgrace was taken to the final seconds of my beautiful mother's life @ death. To be sickeningly redundant, I take this to my grave. Symbolic of the last 11 years with an exclamation point, an inferno, a burning as though Jadwiga was obliterated from existence. 

  At times like these everybody becomes who they truly are. The dysfunction, the shortcomings, the limitations of each of us, the fear, the grieving, the lack of spirituality, the cowardice, the drunkenness cannot be hidden. There were a couple of moments of shared kindness, sorrow, @ love. I was so grateful to be there, be there sober. I just kept thanking God that I do not drink any longer, that I am no better. To feel this, to experience this phase of life we all go thru. No one gets around this one. This is part of the deal. And I remain humbled @ grateful. 

The Service -  After Jadwiga died I needed a break, thus, decisions were made that I had no part in(of course, WHAT THE FUCK?). It was decided that mom would be cremated(linger thoughts of the Holocaust pervading). I was against cremation being in favor of an old-fashioned burial in a grave at a cemetery with a headstone. As a monument to her life, a place to go to be with her, talk to, pray to, feel her. This would have pleased me very much. But, alas, however, albeit, redundantly, I am alone on this one. How in the name of God, am I the only one on this one? Nobody in the family has the balls to stand-up to daddy. Now, it's as if she were never here, erased from existence. 

  And I am fucking ill. 

 But it gets worse, of course it does. How could it not? This is my family after all. 

Another What The Fuck! - Take a seat, you're gonna need it. The final viewing of this wonderful human being, Jadwiga. It was decided that her body would be in a cardboard box. Allow me to reiterate, cuz I do not believe my own words @ I was there, Jadwiga's body was placed in a cardboard fucking box! THE VERY BOX SHE WAS TO BE BURNED IN ! Why her body was not placed in something more dignified for the final viewing? I am lost for words. There are no words to adequately explain this fucking disgrace, this embarrassment, this dishonor. THIS WAS MY MOTHER! 

  I AM LEFT WITH THE WANTING TO PUNCH EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY IN THE FACE! How in the name of God could you do this? As in her life, she was discarded right to her death, thrown out as the trash. This I take to my grave. 

   I spoke some words at the service. What they were I do not recall. I did keep my opinion of this travesty to myself, however. This was not the time. This was a time to honor, or at least it should have been, but that's just me. 

  I had what has been the last conversation with daddy, probably will be the last. There is nothing left to say. At the service, he was a grieving old man shedding many tears. I told him Jadwiga was a wonderful woman, that he could not have had a better wife, that he could not have had a better woman to be the mother of his 9 children, that he was blessed to have her, we all were. 

   Still, our last talk. 

The Burning;

   My brothers @ I gather around the cardboard box with my mother's body in it. We wheel her body to the back of the funeral parlor where the incinerator is waiting. A moment of silence and her body is pushed in and burned. Leaving behind nothing but ash and dust. Without a trace as if she was never here. This is my last viewing, mom entering the oven. This will forever be burned on me, my soul, my broken heart. This I take to my grave. 

   I have not spoken to nor seen anyone in my family since. Nor am I planning on it anytime soon. There is nothing to say but,  QUE SERA, SERA!  

                                *******************************

The Light @ Moments of Impact; 

   The funeral boys come to take Jadwiga's body @ an incredible urge coming over me to get my mother's body out of that house. Finally, something I had wanted for 11 years was happening. To physically remove her from that house, happened. She was out of that house. Sadly, we had to wait for her death for that to happen. 

   Which leads us where? To the light, of course, silly. Don't ya know me by now? What in the hell is wrong with you? Levity, people, we must laugh, we must have humor, or we become homicidal psychopaths. Not me, of course, cuz I am completely straight @ sane now thanks to my team of experts who I have worked around the clock, at the clinic, the university level, in Vienna. Thank you very much. Self-care people, are you familiar with this brand spanking new concept? They got me just in the nick of time before I go plop plop fizz fizz oh, what a relief it is! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  !!! But that's just me. 

  I got my shrink, who got me on meds(happy pills !!). My therapist(my most important female relationship). My priest(who recently passed away, hope I had nothing to do with it, but he did have his work cut out for him. He was on the side of the angels, Christ's sake). Last but certainly not least, you READER, yes you! Where in the name of all that is good would I be without you? Up the creek without paddle or boat!  This team of experts help keep me on the beam with laser-like focus not allowing me @ my brain to veer from what is truly important in my life, right? Or there about's. I keep them very busy, it ain't easy being me. Alas, I have that going for me now! 

 The Light, yes, the light. The light of the world! Where is the light? For Jadwiga, probably none. We lost her 11 years ago. Nevertheless, she is in Heaven now. I like to ponder, ya know? That if Jadwiga could have had one final moment, one gesture, or words for us at the funeral, she would rise up in her CARDBOARDFUCKINGBOX, AND GIVE EVERYBODY PRESENT, THE FINGER ON BOTH HANDS!  Then calmly lay back down.

This sounds about right.

   Jadwiga was my mother. Me, the last of 9. She had an endless capacity to love, for strength, energy, @ wisdom. Having a brilliant mind, most certainly with numbers @ money. Possessing a great sense of humor. I loved making her laugh. I miss her terribly. Any good that stems from me is from her @ the good Lord above thru His beloved son, Jesus Christ. I was so blessed to have this woman as my mother, thank you, God. I try every day to make her proud. Some successes, some failures, but I try. I know she is still watching, still my moral compass. Probably shaking her head. I like to think she is smiling. 

  MOMMY, I STILL NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME. Somebody has to, sorry. Thank you. 

                                      ++++++++++++++++++

I Lost Mom 11 Years Ago;

  Tha agony was worse then. Jadwiga's death was a blessing. However, just as last time, de ja Vu all over again, events @ the aftermath are eerily similar. The circumstances in my personal life, family life, @ professional life, along with my spiritual, mental, physical, @ emotional well being are a replay of 11 years ago. Last time I was left devastated, crushed, heartbroken in 1000 pieces. I hit the floor not wanting to get up with a deep depression @ what I call my nervous breakdown. 

  Just as 11 years ago, I am left grieving, sad, heartbroken,  bewildered, thankfully not as shocked nor devastated as then. Albeit, I am running again. Not running on a track but running in my life. Most days begin 4am @ i am off to the races. I do not stop, I cannot stop. Dinner at 'bout 10pm. To bed 'bout mid-nite. Up at 4am @ do it again @ again, @ again. I cannot stop for if I stop I will begin to think @ feel what is in my heart. So I run @ do not think nor feel anything. I become apathy. The thoughts of grief, heartbreak, bewilderment too difficult to bear. 

  Indifference, my disease, a scary place. I DO NOT CARE! I don't give a shit about me, about you, the world at large. I am lost, not feeling the grace of God. I MUST STOP! I HAVE TO STOP! I sleep maybe 3 1/2 hrs/nite, no exercise, my eating habits are pathetic, my work is physically brutal,  @ I smoke. My personal behavior, Jesus! My mother would be ashamed of me. 

  BUT I CANNOT STOP, I DON't WANT TO! 

  Where is all this going? Where does this lead? To an early grave Romy, to an early grave. I'm 55 @ my self-care is out the window, discarded, (kinda reminding me of someone. it will come to you, my therapist saw this before i did). Collapse from stroke, heart attack, exhaustion all realistic possibilities. Last time - exhaustion, depression, nervous breakdown, 3-month leave of absents from work. I was done, I was in a hole. I CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN! I either force myself to stop or sure as shit, I will collapse. 

  This time, I may not get up. 

   No thoughts of drinking or suicide, but this lifestyle of mine is gonna kill me. I'm on borrowed time as it is. So in the interest of self-preservation, I am attempting to stop on my own volition(college, baby, college). I do not enjoy THE HOLE, a scary place, don't wanna go back. 

   Thusly @ HOORAH HOORAH! I am back in therapy at the very same place lo those many years ago(on fire). My therapist has been awesome(just as before). Recently told her that she is the most important female-relationship I have, with my therapist, I am pathetic(if it wasn't so funny, i'd cry)! Welcome to my world(dino martin, thanks), DE JA VU! Doin' the same shit, knowing it's wrong, doing it anyway, knowing this is gonna be a disaster, @ it is. MY DISEASE, it ain't easy bein' me. 

  Saw a shrink, she put me on meds, just as last time. Helped a lot then. I am not getting bombed out by Zoloft of Ritalin, this is a mild anti-depressant. The doctor seems very intelligent @ also a good person. She Rocks! 

  I gotta slow down. Exercise! I'm a jock goddammit! Stretching in the morning(great way to meditate). On my knees to pray(this never fails @ is always good. if i don't have time for this i may as well jump out of a window). Need WAY better eating habits(fruit, oatmeal, just like momma when i was a child). Sleep, gotta gotta gotta sleep better @ more(lack of sleep so unhealthy). I am writing more which I had gotten away from. This is a passion of mine, how I love getting into The Zone. (i will blame life on this one). 

  DO I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT MYSELF? (another great question of my life). I better cuz I don't want to go just yet. THERE IS HOPE, for better days(the dolls, whoowah!), a better tomorrow. I know this, been there, done it, bringing the grace of God back into my heart, mind, body, words, decisions, @ ACTIONS. 

  I most certainly need to get away from apathy. Mentally-emotionally-spiritually I have been away. Physically I have been everywhere but not really there at all. Now, I am coming back, I am not done just yet. Ain't gonna get rid of me that easy. NO NO NO, not yet, God says NO, not yet! 

   

  Nevertheless, albeit, alas, however, on that note, LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE,  with the heart of a child, the kingdom of Heaven is found within @ all around me. GOD IS AWESOME, @ JESUS IS A ROCKSTAR! Life is beautiful, sobriety does so kick ass, @ I am still @ again, the most blessed man on this planet. 

   I'm back! Thank you, God, I'm back. And maybe, just maybe, I can still make Jadwiga laugh, smile, @ be proud of me. 

                                           Peace @ love, always, 

                                                                                        FW Roman 

                                    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2 CHAPTER THEME SONGS-(Jadwiga is worthy of 2); 

Beautiful Boy - John Lennon,  from the LP Double Fantasy,  1980

   The sentiment @ words of wisdom from a loving parent to child is a bull's eye to what my mom would say to me, thru out my life. A hauntingly beautiful song, such love-endless-heart felt. Yes, there is a God, and He is LOVE. Sadly. John Lennon was shot @ killed on the streets of NYC soon after the release of this LP. 

Que Sera Sera  -  Doris Day,  1956

   One of Jadwiga's all-time faves. Doris Day, America's sweetheart. Whatever will be will be. Infinitely appropriate with lots 0' sarcasm!