WHEELCHAIR WILLY IS DEAD- (of course he is !)

Luke 9;56 - "For the son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them".

 There could be no other outcome. This is where it goes, to the gates of insanity @ death. Though before we physically succumb to this disease, we are dead already, in a spiritual sense, dead many many years if not decades before. The people we are supposed to be, why we are on this planet, why God put us here , that person is gone away. A long long time ago.

                                                     EVIL - THIS DISEASE IS

THE ZOMBIE FACTOR;
 We are the walking dead. Though physically alive, our bodies slowly degenerate, as if body parts begin falling off by the way side. Our innards becoming a crow's nest, a mish-mash of grubs, dirt, litter, and puddle water. Brains functioning at a Frankenstein level, yes, zombie is a valid description. And I would know,  for I am an expert, a professional, if you will. This, is my turf. Been there, done it, lived it for 20 years. For I too, was one of these. Yes, I am an ex-zombie.
 I just happened to have been saved and have lived long enough to talk about it. Miraculous, this. Miracles still happen. Sometimes - sometimes not.
 Wheelchair Willy is the poster child of what this disease ultimately does to human beings. Of course, we are discussing the disease of alcoholism/drug addiction. 
                  
                                       THIS DISEASE IS A MOTHERFUCKER !

 Of a more apt description I am unaware. For those of you who have read my previous masterpiece of non-literature(LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE), and if you haven't, what the hell are you waiting for? Time to come out of the dark and into the light. For I do this for you, reader. Time to get off the schnide ! And enter my world of truth, justice, the American way !
 Oops! Sorry, my A-D-D kicked in again, did it not? 
                        
                                                  BE STILL @ KNOW I AM GOD !

ok, good, i'm back. Phew ! Close call that one. One of these days I may never come back. Then, whatcha gonna do ? So, catch me if you can ! Are you there  for me ? Cuz, I am HERE-THERE-EVERYWHERE for you ! (Beatles ! thank you very much !).

Where were we? Willy, yes, same said bloke from LBOH-CH. 3. You just cannot make stuff like this up. The absurdity, the irony, if it were not true, I would not believe it. If it was not so tragic, it would be hilarious. 
 Yeah, Willy is dead, dying in a most ridiculous set of circumstances I've ever known. To refresh, Willy-boy, a rock bottom drunk in the neighborhood. Wheelchair bound and hammered everyday, a wet brain drunk for the ages. On the streets as long as anyone can remember, about as pathetic a  form of a human being I have ever encountered. And I can relate. For there was a time, I was one of these. I am not pointing a finger nor judging. I am relating the dark ugly facts of this goddam disease, and what ultimately, it does to people.

SHOWTIME;
  As an ex-zombie and working in the liquor business for many years I am trying to establish my credentials to you. A professional like no other, I've been on every side of this equation. Well placed to discuss this arena from every angle(the dumpster view being the harshest of memories). 
 Willy, smashed everyday, had a wife I became acquainted with. Met his 20 year old son and sadly, said son is following in his poppa's footsteps. Being a Viet Nam vet, Willy collected a disability check for whatever his affliction was. Most of the money went to his wife. Willy got an allowance for his booze. Separated for many years, the happy couple did not live together. Who the hell could live with Willy anyway? But he has been on the streets for way too long and he was getting on in years(64). Said wife seemed like a nice enough woman. We would talk on occasion, not a lot, but enough to gain some facts on the situation. 

**HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS FOR YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS **

A new plan is developed, sounding reasonable, good for all. Wife is gonna get Willy off the streets. At his age, being a drunk, a dangerous life-style indeed. An easy target for the criminal element. Get Willy off the streets for his health and overall well being. Yes, all good.

              **RED-ALERT - THIS IS THE SHIT-PISS- FUCK ME SEGMENT** 

Also, to prevent Willy from some dumb-ass accident. Getting killed or maimed(for he was already a cripple in every sense of the word), was an everyday possibility. Every time I saw Willy I was amazed he was still alive. Often saying, "how is this son-of-a-bitch still alive?"(IMPORTANT-THIS). I recall saying, "one of these days, this sorry asshole is gonna roll into the streets and get drilled by a car".

                                    **FLASH - CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP ! **

The wife and I spoke about all of this. Telling me she is setting Willy up in an apartment in her neighborhood. Keep him close and off the streets. Way too dangerous. Not gonna live together but close, trying to keep him safe and alive. I felt this was a good plan agreeing with everything she said. I wished her good luck and we said goodbye.

FLASH FORWARD 1 MONTH ;

 You starting to catch my drift? For this is unfuckingbelievable. 
 Wife enters store. 
ME; Hi, how are you?
WIFE; Not good.
ME; No? How come?
WIFE; Willy is dead.
ME; OMG ! (though not surprised) - What happened?
WIFE; Plan was working. Willy in his apartment, drinking of course, but off the streets. All good.

                       (and then . . .  even the best paid plans go to hell. I shit you not. What was done to prevent Willy's demise, backfired).

WIFE; Couple of days ago, Willy rolled into the street in the neighborhood, got drilled by a car and died.

                           LET'S ALL TAKE A MOMENT AND SOAK THIS IN

Do you fucking believe this? Irony abounds, the absurdity ! The world can be a cruel place. The unique ways we drunks find to die is so pathetic I can't stand it ! But, in a sick perverse way, the way our world seems to work, this makes total and complete sense in my eyes anyway. Of course Willy died this way. For there is justice in this world, karma if you prefer. It could not be more absurd, thus making perfect logical-illogical sense.

                                       AND WHEELCHAIR WILLY IS DEAD 

I choose to believe the wife tried to do a good thing. However, the ridiculous life of a drunk leads only to a ridiculous death. I hate to say it, but it's almost goddam funny. Of course Willy died this way for this is how he lived. The life of a drunk, absurd-ugly-pathetic, and we die in the same vein. Just another stat. Another drunk living a useless life and dying in same fashion. Can't make this up. No one would believe it.

                                   ***************************************

Sweet Jesus, how I do not miss that world ! A miracle any one of us ever get out alive. Miracles do happen, for I am one. Alive-healthy-sober 18+ years now. How didn't I die? Luck? yes. Grace of God? sure. The human body can absorb an incredible amount of abuse, to a point. 
 My life was meaningless,tiny. Today, only through the grace of God, am I still here. And my Guardian Angels, who keep me alive and safe one day at a time.

  Life is so short, so precious, so fragile and what I know now, being sober, is just how beautiful life is. How good- joyful- peaceful- contented with lots of laughter. And there are some beautiful people in this world. Some of them love me and I love some of them.
 I never forget how dark and ugly and lonely my life was. I try to always remember how good it can be, having wept many tears of joy.  I am so blessed, having made it out alive. Though I am on borrowed time, 18+ years.

And if I happen to get hit by a bus tonight, I will not complain. For I will be sober. 
                           AND I WILL HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE !!!!
                                                    God bless you all
                                                     God is awesome
                                             And Jesus does so rock !!!!!!!!

 CHAPTER THEME SONG; - "Willy the Wimp"  - by Stevey Ray Vaughn

  Very cool song about the funeral of some drug dealer pimp in Chicago. Very ostentatious of course. Not so much fanfare with our Willy but the sentiment is right.  Stevey Ray, another sad rock-n-roll tragedy. But this song rocks !!!!!!!                                    
                             
                              Peace n love, till the next time, I'll be thinkin of you !!
                                              
                                                             F.W. Roman 

last-best-only-hope god is awesome @ jesus is a rockstar !,  buy it online Amazon.com, Kindle(ebook), create space.com 


                             

  



OK, good, I'm back, phew !!! 

Stevie Ray Vaughan - Willie The Wimp - PERFECT - OUTTHEEFFINPARK - HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THIS ONE - APROPOS AS IT GETS !!!

                   Rockin' @ it's bout Dam Time !!!

  WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YES - finally, some live music !!! Jesus H. Christ, i was dying out here !! Needed a fix real bad ! Been about 4 months since i saw any live music, and it's killin me !! AAAAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  - I think u kno how i feel. and if you do, god help u @ have mercy on ur soul !! Cuz if u understand where i'm comin from, good luck !!! once u get in my head baby, there's no goin back !!! Cuz, i ain't right. I'll admit it, i'm honest(mostly- i ain't that fucked up, not yet @ i want people to like me ! no i don't-but u catch my drift, u feelin me ?). a little secret, do not tell anyone, ok? 1970's - i did ALOT of drugs. which has a way of altering the way one thinks. altering our perspectives on a whole bunch of stuff, like EVERYTHING !!!!!!! but that's just between u @ i, for now, ok? good, now that we got that out of the way, can we commence with this goddam post already, christ's sake !!!! 

  We done dilly-dallying, yet? that is one hell of an expression, dilly-dallying. anyone kno what it means? send me a email !(a email, correct grammer freaks, catch that?) That's in the same vain as callin someone a asshole, what? proceed sir, thank you ! anytime now this post-blog will begin. everybody ready? SET ! GO GO GO GO GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are goin to a go-go everybody, YES ! great song, love the Stones version. I STILL GOT IT BABY! in case u were wonderin. firin on all cylinders @ everything. synapses @ receptors clickin away. johnny on the spot. you can't stop this. this is a runaway freight train. you can try but not gonna happen !!! not in this lifetime,no. Cuz, i've tried, @ God help me i can't. Tried every corrective measure possible too. All except electro-shock therapy. we gotta draw the line some where's. boundaries, that's what i'm sayin. nor am i a fan of the frontal lobotomy. but that's just me. to each his or her own. i don't judge. If stickin ur finger in a lite socket makes u feel better, who am i to judge? live @ let live is what i say. This is America dammit !! I will fight for anybodies right to a frontal lobotomy if that is their wish. check the bill o rites, chrissakes!!! 

  And now, the end is near. Ole Blues Eyes !!! didn't think i had it in me did ya ? Where am i and how did i get here? Think! there must be something. Yes ! MUSIC !!!!! live music. LIVEFUCKINMUSIC !! is what i live for. is what i'm all about. in case u wanted to ask. It's my nature. compassion-empathy-good listening skills- i care. about u and u should kno that by now, no? ok, now please someone help me. this is one big cry for HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \
   No, i am fine. really. COPACETIC(yes! finally, i use the word copacetic, again ! thank you, u are too kind, stop really stop). 

GO TIME - 
  live music, honestly, a good rockin concert, is a spiritual awakening. Especially since being sober ! WEEEEEE!!!  more fun than ever. nothing on God's green planet like it. The most fun one could have with their clothes on !

 no, i am fine really. all good. copacetic !!!!!!!!!!!!(finally, you see how all this works. i never asked for this but i got it ! whatever this is. some may call it mental illness. i prefer eccentric genius). What u think? send a email. 

 CRACKER :
 last nite at Brookfield Zoo. A beautiful nite in The Windy City. The sound system was amazing !! perfect ! Cracker, another great band from the greatest era of ROCK-n-ROLL, the 90's ! hit songs being Low, and Teen Angst, been around longtime. The opening set, 4 songs, were OUTTHEFUCKINGPARK !!!!!!!!!! grandslam !!! as good as rocknroll gets !! from the 1st note they just grab you and do not let go. 
  
You can have U2, Grateful Dead, Lollapalooza(rich people concerts, ticket prices for these bands such a fucking ripoff !! i can't stand it!!). I'll take the summer festivals, small venues any day of the week. not even close. Those BIG-TICKET-PRICE BANDS SUCK !!!!!!!!!!! NOT ROCK-n-ROLL !!! 
  
  Cracker did play a lot of country songs, and to be fair, i am not a fan. but the rock they played was fanfuckintastik !!!! cost was price of admission to the zoo.  THAT'S WHAT I AM TALKIN BOUT !! thank you GOD !! 
 Jack Daley, i think was his name. forgive me i may be wrong. but he was great also. great voice. solo performance. songs were AMAZING and SHIPWRECKED. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. 

 up coming summer concerts for me will be of course, THE SMASHING PUMPKINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i will weep-no joke). love love love the pumpkins !!! did i tell u i love the pumpkins ? Playing at newly renovated Northerly Island in August. backed up by Marilyn Manson. not a fan but the dude?, was a marketing genius. 

AMERICAN ENGLISH  ; if u like The Beatles, do yourself a favor and see this band. soon playing Westchester Fest in August. saw these guys in March at Fitzgerald's. They tore the roof off the place. and i've seen 100 shows at Fitz's. 

LIGHTS OUT ;
 UFO cover band, saw these guys years ago and it was great. If you like UFO, see this band. UFO, 1 of the best from the 70's. highly underrated. the coolest people of all time were fans of UFO !!! playing in Romeoville also in August. 

that's it ! now u kno ! u are in the inner circle !! how cool is that !! Rock never gets old. sober fun is way way way too fuckin cool !!! enjoy the summer, cuz it goes by way too fast.  The Windy City in summertime, the world's greatest and biggest playground !!  

    PEACE@LOVE, PARTY(soberly 4 me), FUN FUN FUN(never too old), be safe,

LAST-BEST-ONLY-HOPE God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar !!!!!
 possibly the greatest work of non-literature u will ever read !!!! but online at Amazon.com, Kindle ebooks available, @ Create Space.com

                                                         F.W. ROMAN

Cracker - Gimme One More Chance - Philadelphia, PA - 1/18/2013

        TEARIN' DOWN WALLS - (1980 H.S. Class Reunion)

                     Who knew being clean @ sober could be so much fun?

  I didn't, not for 20 years of my life anyways. Certainly not in my HS daze(DAYS, right off the bat ! can't stop this train baby ! u can try, good luck, not gonna happen. Ya see, me @ the Lord have come to an agreement, but that's another chapter!).  My addiction kicked in when I was all of 15 years old(kinda saddens me, this). Makes me shudder how young I was when crossing that line into addiction. The line when, once crossed, there is no going back. Never going back to not being an addict/alcoholic, ever. Once crossed, nothing can ever be the same, our lives being altered forever. Sad for any teenager, sad for anyone of any age, but most certainly for the young, for at that age, we are all still innocent. To become so lost, to transform into someone we are not supposed to be, the life i could have had, gone. The kid I was at 14 and the kid I was at 15, two completely different people. My personality did a 180,- from light to dark, good to bad, right to wrong.

 I was born an alcoholic, drinking to blackout in grade school. (GRADE SCHOOL - FUCK!). Never drinking socially, not even in the 6th grade. This is one hell of a fucking disease ! AND I LOVED IT ! This, is my disease, amazing really. This is terribly sad, sad for any kid getting lost at such a young age. God bless the parents. Good luck, talk about powerless, you have my prayers.

LATE 1970'S - 15 years old, smokin grass, droppin LSD, snorting or smokin PCP, boozin, all the time. morning-noon-night, week day-week ends. The wall was built, reinforced steel, impenetrable.
  14 YEARS OLD - lots of friends, good grades(A-n-B's), great athlete, class president. A bright happy confident kid with a promising future. 
  15 YEARS OLD - the end. The end of all that promise. I become in one short year a total burnout pothead druggie. The very bright future gone. The sweet friends, gone. I am not the same kid. Sad, and scary stuff, this.

THE WALLS WE BUILD ;
  I became an outsider wearing a mask. Walls were up, no one came in, only people I got stoned with. This disease shoves everybody @ everything that is good, right out the window. Sweet innocent people, kind @ loving relationships, tossed away for alcohol @ drugs. Time @ again, over @ over, year after year, a sick lonely lifestyle. Very, very ugly. The purity, gone. The sweetest @ innocent, gone away.
  There are one or two of these I've never forgotten, with such a special place in my heart. Such beautiful hearts, the sweetest.Thrown away for booze @ dope.
           FUCK ! 

  The wall is up. We become prisoners in our own self-imposed prisons. Our thinking, behavior, choices, values all so very wrong, so fucked up, so destructive, losing all self-worth, self-confidence, @ self-esteem. The love of God @ man we knew nothing. Gettin' stoned, man ! Fuckin A ! So pathetic, so ugly, throwing lives away, ours @ others, for the miserable life a dope fiend. Unbelievable- but true.

MIRACULOUSLY, I DIDN'T DIE !
 How in the name of God am I still alive ? 20 years of my life, 20 years ! 20 years gone, 20 years wasted(literally @ figuratively), - 20 years I will never get back! 20 years of destructive self-abuse taking good people out with me.
  
  And I am one of the lucky ones !

  I am one of the blessed to get out alive. It's amazing any of us ever get out alive, healthy, @ live long enough to talk about it without wet-brain(mostly) ! This disease will not ever, NEVER, not today, no, not gonna happen, take one more second of my life. TODAY !
  Today, @ for the past 18 years, anyways! Only thru the grace of God @ my guardian angels, cuz I was not gonna make it.Without help, without reaching out, finally broken enough, hurting enough, desperate enough(the gift of desperation is one hell of a thing!), I reached out. I begged! I pleaded! I hit the mother of my bottoms, @ I got out! By the skin of my teeth, I got out. I had a bullet comin at me, a runaway train @ I was tied to the tracks. Was not gonna make it. I mean 20 years, how much longer can this go on? Not much. Dead man walking.

  Miracles do happen.

  Me being alive is all the proof I need. There is a God, He is love thru His beloved son Jesus Christ ! I have had guardian angels, still have, in people form, who helped save my life. God works through people, ya know? And angels, they do exist.

 I got out, did not die, 18 years later, the easiest thing I do is not drink. Allow me to reiterate, the easiest thing I do, 18 years, is not drink! Point being(in case u were wondering), if a rock-bottom drunk like me can get @ stay sober, anybody can. It is possible. There is hope(hope, powerful stuff!) ! The obsession is gone. Today, I do not have a drinking problem( i have a typing problem, not a drinking problem, tho). But (always a but), I never forget I am an alcoholic, never! Seen people forget, some never come back. Not me baby! Not today ! I never forget how awful, how ugly, how lonely, how dark, hopeless, indifferent, pathetic, vile, I can't. Helps keep me sober, reminding me to always be in recovery, actively working on sobriety, for the love of God @ my GA's, they keep me sober. I do the legwork, they get the credit. And my undying gratitude.

AND SWEET JESUS - I love, love, love being clean @ sober!!!!!!! Did I tell you I love being clean-n- sober? To this day, there is nothing on this planet, NOTHING, that gives me more joy. Everything is better. AND THE WALLS ARE SMASHED !!! I am no longer separated from my fellow man, my friends, loved ones, God, @ the rest of humanity. I am a citizen of the world !!! I am alive ! Sweet Mother of God, it never gets old ! Just being alive, sober, @ not wanting to drink, - sanity - blessed.

  And life is beautiful.

CLASS OF 1980 HS REUNION;

  One of the great nights of my life. The walls are gone, for these people knew me when. 35 years, Jesus, when u think of it like that. Was telling some people my greatest accomplishment is that I didn't die ! I survived! Ha-Ha, right? True! I was not gonna make it. So many friends have not. We were all together, unified on this night, celebrating our youth as well as our lives.
 A beautiful night, very spiritual. I was able to be part of this and not feel as an outsider with these truly special people. Part of something bigger, something special, truly blessed to be there, alive @ sober. I cannot properly express what this means to me at the moment (but alas, I'm gonna try).
 Shivers going thru me, electric. Expressing heartfelt honesty, laughter, joy, rekindling lost relations, lost friends, after all this time. There was an innocence,  a sweetness, and purity in the air. Real joy, real friends, heartfelt emotion. I am humbled by the enormity of it. A gift! A night for the ages with these people with a special place in my heart. It is because of nights like this, this is why I love sobriety and stay sober. This is my reward, the best that life has to offer, what makes life so special. I was proud to be there. Humbled, most certainly by the memorial for our dearly departed. SHIVERS !

  Sharing the good @ great @ funny @ sad memories with these wonderful people. Again, sober, alive, 35 years, - words are utterly useless.

  AND I AM THE MOST BLESSED MAN ON THE PLANET ! 

JS MORTON WEST-HS, FALCONS !(we no longer exist- we are extinct- we are exclusive @ ain't it cool!) 1980 - YOU, ME, WE FUCKIN' ROCK !!!!!!!!!!!

 This chapter is dedicated to JP. For JP knew me just before I crossed the line. She saw me cross and we could never be. While we were young, for a short while, we shared an innocence, a sweetness that i have never forgotten. On this special night, we had an opportunity to talk privately for a couple of minutes. And for a minute or 2, we had that innocence, purity, @ sweetness back. For that alone, i will be eternally grateful. Again, words are utterly useless.
  I had no idea JP would be there. And when I saw her, - my heart stopped. I forgot how to breath. I lost the ability to think @ speak! You believe that? After all this time! Amazing!  In my defense, JP was stunning. She was beautiful, still. And i forgot how to breath, think, and speak !
  Every now @ then, God gives us these moments. Moments when the world stops. This was one of those.

 God bless you JP, you @ your family.

CHAPTER THEME SONG; - "Inside Looking Out" - by; Grand Funk Railroad - live in concert - MSG - 1972 - YOU TUBE

Song bout bein' locked up. Possibly, the greatest song/live performance I have ever heard. This is what I'm talkin' bout !! It never got better then this. Mark Farner, great guitarist, singer, @ showman!  Crowd is great, ROCKIN!  My brother Eddie and D.G. turned me on to this when i was bout 10 ! And God bless 'em for that !!!

                                     L-B-O-H - peace @ love, FW

Last-Best-Only-Hope  God is Awesome @ Jesus is a Rockstar ! but at Amazon.com, Kindle for E-book, google books, or Create Space.com. Preview at Amazon. 

Grand Funk Railroad - Inside Looking Out - MSG 12/23/72